Strippers, periods and an easy way to wipe your ass

I had a great visit with a good friend the other night. My hair chick - she rocks and not just at doing hair. She gets me, I get her. We click, I can say pretty much anything without the worry of offending her or her possibly reporting me to CPS. We agree on the fact although we love our children with all our hearts, blah,blah,blah - they are at times huge ASSHOLES. I can also discuss my marriage with her. The good, the bad and the ugly.

This most recent visit we discussed the fact that we are both having elective surgery in February - one week apart. I was giving her some tips that I have received and it went a little something like this:

Me: You know you probably won't be able to wipe your ass for a few days after surgery?

L: Oh god, I didn't even think about that.

Me: Barbara told me she would do it for me but I don't want anyone else wiping my ass.

L: I'm gonna ask R (her husband) if he will wipe mine.

Me: Big Daddy already said he wouldn't do it and I got offended, but then I thought about it and I am pretty sure I wouldn't wipe his ass. I've seen that area before and it looks like he has a dead animal in a head lock. It's not right. No one should have to see that.

L: I am gonna take extra stool softners just for R.

Me: I invented a tool to help me in the process

L: Really? Please share

Me: Take a Swiffer duster wand and insert a couple baby wipes into the grooves, then its long enough to go between your legs instead of having to reach around (reach around nearly impossible after a tummy tuck)

L: You are Pure Genius

Me: You're welcome

It's then time for me to sit under the dryer

15 minutes later...

Me: What do strippers do at the all nude clubs when they are on their periods?

L: That is a good question - While we are recovering lets take a field trip to one of those places

Me: Sure - we could go in and do an interview with a stripper  - it would be good if we could find one on her period - Maybe they have them labeled

L: Labeled? like how?

Me: I don't know - like with a tampon shaped silly band

L: again Genius

Me: I have heard they just cut the string real short during their time

L: What if they are dancing and the tampon falls out

Me: We probably shouldn't enter one of those places with stitches and non healed wounds - we would probably contract something

L: true - we might have to just do a phone interview

That pretty much completed our visit. Greatness..