PTSD and the Anti-Fluff gym

Most women are drawn to the Fluffy, fancy, cater to my every whim gym. The upscale décor, steam rooms and indoor heated pools. Bottled water and a smoothie café is at the top of the list when choosing a gym. Not me. Now I have been a member of the Fluffy gyms but never could totally get into the environment. I think it’s all a mind set for me. Working out, well is just that WORKING OUT. It is supposed to make sweat run down your temples and soak your ass crack. At times after (or sometimes even during) I actually feel like puking and I just wouldn’t feel comfortable puking in the fluffy gym.

I am the member of 2 different gyms. I know, I know – 2 gyms?? Must be nice to be able to budget that in? Well you know what? It is. The money I save on not eating fast food for lunch everyday pays for it, so in your face.

Anyway… The main gym I use is the one by my house. I drag my ass out of bed at 4:50 in the morning and drive the 2 miles over there and get in a good 1 hour workout, Monday thru Friday. I also go at least 1 day on the weekend. Not a fluff gym, it consist of a big metal building, which is split up into one large room that holds all the weights, machine and cardio equipment, another room for classes and another room for child care. There are men/women locker rooms but that is it. It is perfect in every way. It is just big enough to not be crowded but small enough to move quickly through your workout.
The other gym is by my work (1 mile to be exact) and it is the epitome of a caveman gym. In fact some of the largest names in men and women bodybuilding train at this gym. The dumbbell racks are endless, from 3lb to 200lb dumbbells line the walls of this lifting Mecca. The air conditioner is rarely on and the front and back doors are usually propped open. The softest music you will here is Slipknot and instead of fresh hand towels there are buckets full of hand chalk to use when you lift those 200lb dumbbells. It smells like old gym socks and not a smoothie café within 10 miles. It is a place where caveman like Big Daddy thrive ( BTW, I love cavemen, especially Big Daddy), but it’s also a place where a cavewomen can get a good workout in and learn a few things from those cavemen. I do all the same exercises as they do, just with a considerably lesser weight. I’m not intimidated and I’m not ashamed to pack my 10lb dumbbells and jump right in the middle of them all. Now I do get nervous at times and sometimes even a bit grossed out, especially if sweat flies off one of them and lands on my arm.
I also sometimes make the mistake of being funny there. You see most of the caveman are so focused on their workout that they rarely speak. This is hard for me, when I get nervous, I get chatty. I have got to control that. This is a little conversation that happened today at the caveman gym: (no joke)

Picture this:
Large (very large) caveman working out – he is using 125lb dumbbells and doing tricep kickbacks.
I am about 10 feet from him and working shoulders. My shoulders are weak and I had my 8lb, 5lb and 3lb weights all lined up. No shame in my game.
Caveman proceeds to bust out about 10 reps and then just drops the 125lb dumbbell on the floor. I am totally caught off guard by this and I may have possibly let out a girl like shriek. Caveman then looks at me and laughs. Ok, I’m good with that, it was funny. This is where I should have just stopped but oh no, not me.
Caveman: Laughs at me after I shriek like a girl
Me: Sorry, you just scared me and that aggravated my post traumatic stress disorder
Caveman: (puzzled look on his face)
Me: PTSD?? I got it while I was in Nam (Vietnam, for you civilians)
Caveman: (even more puzzled look on face) shrugs shoulders and walks away
The rest of the time at the gym I decided it would be funny to just randomly drop to my knees and yell to take cover.
Anti-fluff gym: Great for getting a good workout not so good for appreciating humor.

Rabid vampire bats and your life is not that bad so shut the hell up

Catching up on the ole Internet news the other day I came across a news story about Rabid Vampire bats in Peru. A reported 5 children have died this year due to being bitten by these bats. These children belonged to a very remote community on the border of Ecuador, reachable by boat only and that journey takes 15 hours.

ARE YOU FOLLOWING WHAT I JUST SAID??

While sleeping the village children are being bit by rabid vampire bats and because they have no direct access to medical care, they die. That is how they roll in the rain forest of Peru. Do you think the kids of this village are warned about this threat? I would totally use the threat of the bats to scare the crap out of those kids. Nothing works better to keep a kid in check than the threat of being killed by rapid vampire bats.

Seriously, the worst I can do to my kids is ground them from tv or video games for the week. Imagine what results you would get if you could use Rapid Vampire Bats against them.

Here are few situations where you could use the above story to persuade your whiny ass kids to shut the hell up:

Whiny ass kid: Mom - I hate these pants, why can't you buy the $100 ones like Mary has?
Parent: I spent all our money on vampire bat traps, I could take them back and get you those jeans. You will look great in them at your funeral.

Whiny ass kid: I hate broccoli and if you make me eat it, I will throw up
Parent: If you eat broccoli then rabid vampire bats will not attack you, everyone knows bats hate broccoli, so I just saved your life. Your welcome.

Whiny ass kid: It's my ROOM!!! Why can't it be messy?
Parent:  Listen you little shit, I have 3 trapped Rabid vampire bats in the garage, Don't make me use them.


I really believe I could convince 2 out of 5 kids in my house that Rabid Vampire Bats are a real threat to them. Not sure if that makes my kids dumb or maybe I am just that convincing.

Fawk you Friday and I need a TASER

My first Fawk You Friday
It took some courage to join in on this because the thought of my mother flipping her elderly gourd over me using a word so close to THAT word, scares me still. That's right people, I am scared of my mother. This totally leads me into my rant for Fawk You Friday.

SCREAMING BRATTY children at stores and their lazy no good parents. Listen I know what it is like to have a child break down on you in the middle of a store, alot of times you have no control of that. What you do have control over is how you handle the satan's little offspring. Here is what I have done the very few times this has happened to me. I say very few because after you handle things my way, you're kids will most likely be scared to turn on you in a store EVER. (keep in mind this is best suited for kids 3 and over, before 3 is just a very scary age and you should probably just stay home)

When the "tantrum" starts, I get eye level as say " If you do not stop we will be leaving the store"
That is it people - it is that simple. I do not care of you have 2 carts full of groceries and no food in the house, YOU PICK THEIR SCREAMING ASSES UP AND LEAVE THE STORE. NO ifs, ands or buts. Leave.The.Store. By staying and trying to talk your child into being good, they figure out that if they just act like total douche bags, you will totally give in because you don;t want them to scream in public. Take away their platform, you gain control and become the boss again. Yes it is totally a huge inconvenience to leave the freaking store but it works.

Also I have sent in a recommendation letter to all the major stores asking them to attach TASERS to all their shopping carts. Imagine how great it would be to just grab that taser and totally stick it to the neck of the next screaming kid or more likely to the crotch of the parent.

Get on board with the FAWK YOU FRIDAY!!

FAWK YOU FRIDAY

RAT HELL

Every year for the past 4 years I secretly dread “Wild Man’s” b-day. Not because I don’t want him to grow up ( I don’t) but because he always ask to go to Chuck E Cheese. I totally despise that place, I literally feel like I will have a panic attack upon entering Rat Hell. Big Daddy on the other hand loves taking all the kids there at anytime. He is my hero.


Thank goodness Rat Hell is located directly across from my favorite mall, so I typically go for about 20 minutes or until I feel like I might stab one of the 200 unsupervised children that are running around there, whatever comes first, then head to the mall.


The panic attack starts as I pull into the parking lot, yesterday it was so full, I had to actually park in another parking lot. It was like national “Bring your illegitimate child day”. My palms begin sweating and the hair on the back of my neck stands up. Which is what happens when you are on your way to the 7th circle of HELL.


I walk in with “The baby” in tow and pass the security checkpoint ( the only thing good about the place), I am nearly ran over by no less than 5 children, they had Ninja stealth speed and I am sure carried at least 7 viral/bacterial infections. In fact I am certain that swine flu originated in the Plastic Polymer climbing tubes, I have reported this to the CDC but have yet to receive any communication back from them. They are probably busy following up on my leads.


Big daddy was already there and had already ordered pizzas and drinks for everyone and got a table. Again he is my hero. I didn’t want Pizza and decided to go get Barbara and I salads. I paid $23.00 for 2 salads and 2 drinks. Drinks in regular cups not the fancy souvenir cups. Now it was all you can eat salad bar so I guess I could have gotten my fill on yellow tinged iceburg lettuce and red jello with something mixed in it. I totally ate it, hoping I would get Food Poisoning and maybe drop a few pounds. GAG

After eating and contemplating becoming bulimic, I found the wild Man and took him to Skee Ball - the only game I will play. Love it but I am also a super sore loser, so game playing never turns out well for me or anyone involved. I skee balled my ass off but was still beat by a freaking 2 year old! Why?? Because her douche bag father let her run up to the top of the game and drop the balls in the holes. I swear to you I nearly gave CSI new material for their show. Big Daddy decided at that point it was time for me to move on. Again, My Hero.


I left Rat Hell trying to find the positive in my experience and hoping I would not need more counseling to recover from the 30 minutes I was there.
This is what I came up with:


I positively Hate CHUCK E CHEESE

I am also positive I got malaria from one of the infected children I encountered

I am positive that we could totally cut down on Teen pregnancy if everyone between the ages of 13 - 19 were made to work one day in that place.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today is the official "Talk like a Pirate Day" - While I am not really up for talking like a Pirate all day, I didn't want to be the bit killer and ruin the entire day. I found a cool iphone app that will randomly generate an insult in pirate talk(?) Here is a few examples:

'Tis good ye're here. Ye'll scare the rats away, ye grog-shy, pox faced swabbie ... Garrrr!

Yer mother be a strumpet and yer father be a scalawag, ye squiffy, weak kneed sea dog ... Blow me down!

I'll cut out yer tongue an' feed it t' the sharks, ye cowardly, pitiful sea snake ... Avast! (weird enough I have actually said this before, I guess I do speak Pirate)

Dead men tell no tales, ye parrot-loving, pitiful landlubber ... Blast ye!


I also found some great pick up lines(for us lady Pirates) in Pirate if you want to try them out:

Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me THIGHS! ( I have actually done this)

C'mon Lad, Shiver me timbers


Go here International Talk like a Pirate day ye' scurvy land dwelling parasite and let the fun begin

Work those Legs - At home

So the other day, My friend CH came over and asked me to help her devise a weight workout she could do at home with minimal equipment. CH is wanting to tone up and lean out. She has already been running 4-5 days per week and doing yoga but really wants to put some muscle on her body. We all know how important cardio is for weight loss and heart health, but so many women skip right over the weights. You can seriously transform your body with a few sets of dumbbells. The more lean muscle that your body packs on, the less fat that your body will store. That is the truth. Now keep in mind that losing body fat and gaining muscle are hard to do at the same time. The reason being is that in order for you to lose body fat, you have to put yourself into a calorie deficit by consuming less and doing cardio daily. In order to build muscle you gotta feed the muscles by taking in more calories. By more calories I mean lean protein not junk food. When you restrict your calories and do cardio you will lose fat and you will also lose muscle tissue. Kinda sucks that you can't have your cake and eat it to. Now you have to decide what is best for you, I personally didn't want to just be skinny. I changed my thinking about my weight being an actual # on the scale and I am going for a look instead. I want carved out muscle from head to toe, long lean muscle. I want as ASS like an ONION - one look and it will make you cry. By choosing this method, I know that the fat loss will be slower than the muscle gain. I am good with that because my legs look freaking amazing. If I get on a scale it tells me that my weight is 10lbs less from the day I started all this. Like 6weeks ago. But I have lost almost 3 pant sizes and a total of 8 inches off my body. I am stoked about that.

So here goes the leg workout I created for CH - I also gave her an upper body routine - I believe she is planning on doing each routine 2x per week, making sure to give her muscles 24 hours in between sessions to heal. I advised her to not do her running on leg day but she can do her upper body on leg day. Now keep in mind this is for a beginner. CH has not lifted weights in a very long time and although she has been running she is weak. She won't be after a few weeks on this routine.

SQUATS: You will do this 2x - split it up if needed - You will have to figure what weight works for you, If you have not lifted weights ever or in the past 6 months then you might do this workout a few times with nothing but your body weight then add in dumbbells. Start with 5lb db then work your way up to 12lb db.

30  Standard Squats  this will work your entire lower body, glutes, hamstrings and quads

30 Plie Squats these will work your entire lower body while emphasizing your inner thighs                                   

30 Standard Squats


LUNGES: Love these but hate these. Again you might not use any weight to start with then build up.

100 - 50 each leg - Any way you like -standing or walking. Form is critical with Lunges.
Go here to get the form right  Lunges



DONKEY KICKS: No weight needed on these

100 - 50 each leg - Go here to get the form right Donkey Kicks

Wrap up: 180 squats - 100 lunges & 100 Donkey Kicks

You will most likely not get this all done the first couple of times but your strength will build fast and in no time you will be doing all the reps with weight.

You will also be really sore the first couple of times after doing this. Make sure you are drinking a ton of water daily and watching your diet. No amount of working out will bring you the results you want unless you are eating clean as well.

If you start doing doing this workout - Let me know and keep me updated on your progress

Happy Fitness!

Picking a Plastic Surgeon

I have had alot of women ask me why I have chosen Dr. Sacha Obaid to perform my Mommy Makeover this coming February. So I have put together a few pointers for picking a surgeon and my own personal reasons that I chose who I did.

Always check the credentials of the surgeon. Dr. Obaid had several framed degrees and they didn't look fake so I went with it. Seriously though check to make sure they are board certified Plastic Surgeons. You can do that by going here :  ABPISurg- and look up your doctor.

Use someone that someone you know has used - This was key for me. I wanted to be able to see up and in person the work that this person has performed. In Fact a friend of mine just had a Anchor Lift with breast implants done by Dr. Obaby   Obaid. She had been talking about it for a few months and asked me who I had chosen, she went in for a consult and within 2 weeks got her brand new beautiful boobies. I have seen them and they look great. He is truly an artist. Another friend used him to remove a mole on her son's face. Because of the size of the mole and the fact that it was on his face, she wanted to make sure whoever did it, could do it with minimal scarring. That was about a year ago and you would never even know the kid had surgery.

Make a list of at least 3 surgeons and schedule your consultations - Make sure you do not walk in there uneducated. There is way too much info on the ole internets. USE IT - I went into each consult with a list of questions. If at anytime a PS ( plastic surgeon) acts put out or too busy to answer each and every question then get up and walk out. Seriously, there are too many great surgeons out there to go with one that doesn't want to "Make the Sale" - Know what I mean? If he is a jack ass before you pay him, probably gonna be one after you pay him as well. Dr. Obaid answered every single one of my questions, In fact 2 days later I had more questions and I sent him an email, He called me back and went over all the questions from the email.

You gotta like him/her - at least I do. I can't trust someone to cut open my body (for elective reasons) if I don't like them. I liked Dr. Obaid the second he spoke to me. He is kind, caring and never ever rushed me. He was funny and not all "I am a Plastic Surgeon and that makes you dumb". He spoke to my husband with ease and never made me feel like I was just another number. I had to stand naked in front of the "mirror of truth"while he evaluated my 5 pregnancy ridden body. He was gracious through it and although it was uncomfortable, it was not due to him. That was all me. I digress...

Liking his staff is just as important as liking him - You will be spending even more time with his staff especially the one that is in charge of the financial aspect of it. Everyone at Dr. Obaid's Southlake office were kind and courteous. Tiffany is Dr. O's right hand man Woman and she rocks.

That pretty much sums up how I chose my PS. I hope this helps some of you out there that are contemplating elective surgery. Make sure though you are doing it for yourself and no one else. It truly can be life changing.

p.s. Dr. Obaid is smoking hot - you've been warned

Wordless Wednesday

Don't ya just want to eat him up?

Sports induced "ASSthma"

This morning Big Daddy decided to take a break from his caveman workouts and join me doing cardio.

Our Conversation that started after Big Daddy was on like his 5th fart. Not silent - I swear I thought someone let a duck in the gym.

Me: WTH? What is wrong with you?

Big Daddy: I think its the coffee I had earlier (in the middle of this statement he shot off another ass bomb)

Me: Maybe its like Sports Induced Asthma only in your ass

Big Daddy: You mean Sports Induced "ASSthma"

Me: I love you

See I am not the only funny mutha in our house

Camel Toe - Oh No You Didn't

I was eye raped this morning by this:

Ok so it was not this exact person but close enough. Take off the spandex and insert high waisted mommy jeans. I swear to you I could hear her labia screaming for freedom. It was a muffled scream (get it?) but a scream. I just wanted to say to her "Let it be free, don't cage it in." How do you not know what you look like before you leave the house.
I am in no way a fashion expert but I am thinking if I had my girly part looking a like debit card slot, I sure the hell would fix the issue.
For the love of god if someone close to you has this problem then please consider hosting an intervention for her. Her labia will thank you.

Leg Day - Heavy

Okay so this is what a heavy leg day consist of for me (right now). When I say heavy that means heavy for me. That might not be heavy for you or it might be too heavy for you. You have to test out what is your heavy. I lift heavy enough to struggle on the last 2 reps of each set. If I have a spotter I can go heavier without risking my form. 

First I warmed up on the elliptical for 15 minutes. Then this madness began:

Leg Press - Now this machine looks intimidating but don't be scared. If you are a bit overwhelmed then just ask for help. That is what those people are paid for.

This is a great machine because you can actually vary the placement of your feet and it will target different areas in your legs and glutes. Today I used a standard shoulder width placement of my feet. I warmed up with 25reps - no weight at all. After that I did 3 more sets, stacking up the weight each set and decreasing my rep count. 15 reps w/70lbs, 12 reps w/90 & 10 reps w/ 140. I wait about 45-60 seconds between each set.

Smith Machine Squats

I warm up with a set of 25reps - no weight. Sit low into this movement and you will totally rock your glutes.
Next I do 3 mores sets, increasing weight, decreasing reps. 15 reps w/20lbs (the bar itself weighs about 10lbs) 12 reps w/50lbs, 10 reps w/70lbs. Waiting 45-60 seconds between each set.

Stiff Leg Dead Lifts

These are by far my favorite hamstring (back of the leg) move. I literally changed the shape of my hamstring using this move. It is a hard movement to get right and will feel awkward the first couple times you do it. I use a barbell - a big one - the caveman one - the one that weighs 45lbs all by itself. I also use a aerobics step (no risers) to stand on while doing this. Just to get the extra stretch at the bottom of the movement.

I do 4 sets. 1st set - 25 reps w/just the bar(it is 45lbs)  2nd set - 12reps w/bar + 20lbs (65lbs)
3rd set - 10reps w/bar + 50lbs (95lbs)   4th set - 8reps w/bar + 70lbs (115lbs)

Set Up: Stand with your feet closer than hip width apart holding a barbell with an overhand grip (A).Action:Without rounding your back, lower the weight towards the ground by hinging forward at the hips. Hold at the bottom to get a little stretch in your hamstrings (B) then squeeze your glutes and stand up. Repeat. Keep a slight bend in your knees throughout the movement.

Cable (pulley machines) glute kickbacks

These are wonderful to use after the stiff leg dead lifts. They will totally fry out your glutes.
I use a lighter weight if I do them after the above move. If I am throwing this move in somewhere else I would go about 15lbs more each set. I do 4 sets - each set the same weight - 25lbs and 25 reps each leg
 (4 sets each leg)   On Monday when I did this workout - after this exercise I nearly fell over into the fetal position.

My legs were totally shredded and SCREAMING by this point but I had to get in the walking lunges with big ole dumbbells. I did not count the amount of reps but I did 3 sets of about 12 reps (6 each leg).

 I used 30lb dumbbells - that's a total of 60lbs.

I ended this madness with with another 15 minutes on the treadmill. So if you try this workout, let me know how it goes for ya.

Blog hop

I am joining in on my first ever blog hop. No it is not some ridiculous exercise that I have dreamed up. It is just a way to meet new bloggers and follow their blogs.

Follow me back Tuesday


Now what you do is follow the above link and follow these fabulous ladies:

Boobies, Babies and a blog
Little Yaya's
Review Retreat
Survey junkie
Mama to 3 Blessings

Leave a comment or join the blog list on these ladies site. From there you can check out all the other bloggers that joined in and follow them. You can be kind and FOLLOW ME.

What are you waiting for - Tag your it - Leave your link below

An Oreck??

Conversation over the weekend:

Big Daddy: You know the other dad that goes to Cheer practice besides me?

Me: Yes, why?

Big Daddy: He works on oil rigs in New Mexico ( maybe not oil rigs, I wasn't completely paying attention at this point)

Me: Cool

Big Daddy: He has went on some really cool hunts for elk, deer, bear, Ligers (I totally made that one up) and Oreck.

Me: An Oreck?

Big Daddy: Yes, Oreck - it is a fancy deer.

Me: An Oreck is a vacuum. They hunt vacuums?

Big Daddy: No smart ass, it is an exotic type deer

Me: They are probably easy to catch - You would just unplug the cord.

Big Daddy: You're ridiculous

Me: Thank you

**** I googled Oreck Deer at least 10 times, spelled 10 different ways and I never found an Oreck Deer. I am pretty sure the guys hunts vacuums. ****

Eye Candy

Had a little photoshoot with my 2 middle kiddos

"The Diva" is 10.

"The Wild Man" he will be 6 in 10 days

You asked for it

I have had several women tell me how afraid they are to go into a gym and lift weights. Mostly because they have no idea what to do with the weight or where to begin. Also I am thinking the cavemen with their guttural grunting and chest thumping is enough to make you run and hide. DO NOT FEAR - they are all bark and no bite. I know this, I own a caveman or 4.

Today I will cover what I do when I go to work legs. I actually have 2 different routines. 1 for a heavy lift day and 1 for a lighter day. Today we will cover the lighter day.

I start by warming up with about 10 minutes of light cardio - nothing crazy just enough to get the blood flowing.

Walking lunges/Frog Hops ( I start both routines with walking lunges) - I do the first set w/o weights- I don't have a rep count - I lunge up to a certain distance about 30 feet and then frog hop (a plyometric move - google that shit its awesome) back. When I say frog hop I literally mean I hop like a frog in the middle of the gym. Its a funny sight but it will kick your ass into shape. I repeat this again 2 more times and add 10lb dumbells with the lunge portion.

  

 I then move onto a superset combining squats with step ups. A superset is when you combine 2 exercises, you perform one set of each excercise back to back then a little break (20 seconds) then repeat.

Example: Set 1: Squats (using a 45lb bar) 15 reps then straight to stepups using a 16 inch wooden block - I time the stepups 1 minute. Then break then right back to it. At the end you would have performed this set 4 times. I use 10lb dumbells for the stepups.

This next exercise is performed with a partner. I use a 10lb medicine ball and squat but when I come out of the squat I throw the ball to my partner and in return he/she throws it back. Back and forth about 25 times. The key is to get way low in your squat and push your self back up while throwing the ball. I really love this exercise. I do this about 3 times each- 25 reps between each of you.

Next I like to get creative and use a great tool that my gym has. The wobble board - it is essentially a piece of wood with a another piece of wood attached to the bottom and it acts like a rocking chair. You have to use your entire core to stabilize yourself on this board and balance. The key is to not let the sides of the board touch the ground. It is way harder than it looks. Again I use a partner for this exercise and perform the same squat/throw as above just on the board. Which makes it 10 times harder. Repeat 3 times with 25 reps.

That brings me to the end of my "light" leg day.

Wanna join me?