I seriously never talk about my father. I was under one when he left or when my mom left, whatever. I at times would visit my grandparents and my aunts and cousins (all on my father's side) but rarely did I see my father. My mom and I left Arizona when I was 9 and moved to Texas. Once there the visits with that side of the family became few and far between.
I did visit right after I had The Boy in 1994 and have a picture of my father holding his first grandson. I didn't visit again until I was 23 and about 3 months pregnant with The Brain (2nd child), my grandfather was dying and did so while I was there. I have not seen my father since. He does not know any of my children, his grandchildren. I am his only child, I have his only grandchildren.
Growing up I never even really thought about the lack of father figure, my mother more than made up for it. It wasn't until I had my own children that I just did not understand why there was no effort on his part to see me.
I mean really what was and what is stopping him?
About a year ago I reconnected with my cousins on my father's side via facebook. It has been wonderful, it has made my heart a bit fuller and my soul shines a little more. But is also brings more questions, you see my father has seen my facebook (My cousin's have showed him)and gets to see his grandkids. He knows all kinds of things about me and my family and has yet to reach out to me. I don't think its fair, honestly I don't think he deserves it.
I am in no way upset at my cousins for letting him in on my life via the Internet. That is their uncle and they have a relationship with him. But you see I don't - I have no connection to him other than the DNA that flows through me. Is that not a bit weird? He has every way imaginable to contact me and does not. He has 5 GRANDCHILDREN and he has never attempted to know them.
Honestly, I am ANGRY. I thought that if I just pretended he did not exist that would make all this better. It doesn't and I am tired of telling my children that I am sorry that they do not know him. Why would I apologize to my children for his lack of effort? His overall lack of humanity.
When the question "Who is your dad, mommy?" came up when The Boy was 5 (my oldest), I answered honestly and showed him pics (the last one I have of him is when I was about a year old) and I explained to him that he was not a part of my life. I even showed him the picture of him with his granddad. He never really asked why he was not part of my life or his.
Time passed and the same question came from my 2nd born and then My Diva was born and she asked as well. The same answer given to each of them. The Diva has asked the most and recently she asked me when my dad dies, will someone call and tell me?
Of course leave it to that girl to bring me to my knees. I really had not thought about that, or maybe I had and just decided not to anymore. I told her that I was sure I would be notified. Praying that she would not dig any deeper, but she did. She asked if I was going to cry when he died. I told her yes, of course I would, he is my father and everyone cries at their father's funeral. She seemed please with that answer and that was it.
I suppose I would cry at his funeral, I am not heartless. I don't think the tears would come from the same place as if I had known him. I think had I known him, the tears I would shed would be for me, for my loss. But since I have no connection to him, what exactly would I be losing? The tears that I would shed will be for him, his loss. His life spent not knowing me and his only grandchildren. I would cry because I could not imagine living my entire life knowing I had a daughter, knowing I had 5 amazing grandchildren and making not one single effort to reach out and gain some connection.
So when The Wild Man and The Baby ask (as I know they will), They will get the same answer as my older ones, except this time I won't apologize for him not being here. I didn't have anything to do with that.