I seriously never talk about my father. I was under one when he left or when my mom left, whatever. I at times would visit my grandparents and my aunts and cousins (all on my father's side) but rarely did I see my father. My mom and I left Arizona when I was 9 and moved to Texas. Once there the visits with that side of the family became few and far between.
I did visit right after I had The Boy in 1994 and have a picture of my father holding his first grandson. I didn't visit again until I was 23 and about 3 months pregnant with The Brain (2nd child), my grandfather was dying and did so while I was there. I have not seen my father since. He does not know any of my children, his grandchildren. I am his only child, I have his only grandchildren.
Growing up I never even really thought about the lack of father figure, my mother more than made up for it. It wasn't until I had my own children that I just did not understand why there was no effort on his part to see me.
I mean really what was and what is stopping him?
About a year ago I reconnected with my cousins on my father's side via facebook. It has been wonderful, it has made my heart a bit fuller and my soul shines a little more. But is also brings more questions, you see my father has seen my facebook (My cousin's have showed him)and gets to see his grandkids. He knows all kinds of things about me and my family and has yet to reach out to me. I don't think its fair, honestly I don't think he deserves it.
I am in no way upset at my cousins for letting him in on my life via the Internet. That is their uncle and they have a relationship with him. But you see I don't - I have no connection to him other than the DNA that flows through me. Is that not a bit weird? He has every way imaginable to contact me and does not. He has 5 GRANDCHILDREN and he has never attempted to know them.
Honestly, I am ANGRY. I thought that if I just pretended he did not exist that would make all this better. It doesn't and I am tired of telling my children that I am sorry that they do not know him. Why would I apologize to my children for his lack of effort? His overall lack of humanity.
When the question "Who is your dad, mommy?" came up when The Boy was 5 (my oldest), I answered honestly and showed him pics (the last one I have of him is when I was about a year old) and I explained to him that he was not a part of my life. I even showed him the picture of him with his granddad. He never really asked why he was not part of my life or his.
Time passed and the same question came from my 2nd born and then My Diva was born and she asked as well. The same answer given to each of them. The Diva has asked the most and recently she asked me when my dad dies, will someone call and tell me?
Of course leave it to that girl to bring me to my knees. I really had not thought about that, or maybe I had and just decided not to anymore. I told her that I was sure I would be notified. Praying that she would not dig any deeper, but she did. She asked if I was going to cry when he died. I told her yes, of course I would, he is my father and everyone cries at their father's funeral. She seemed please with that answer and that was it.
I suppose I would cry at his funeral, I am not heartless. I don't think the tears would come from the same place as if I had known him. I think had I known him, the tears I would shed would be for me, for my loss. But since I have no connection to him, what exactly would I be losing? The tears that I would shed will be for him, his loss. His life spent not knowing me and his only grandchildren. I would cry because I could not imagine living my entire life knowing I had a daughter, knowing I had 5 amazing grandchildren and making not one single effort to reach out and gain some connection.
So when The Wild Man and The Baby ask (as I know they will), They will get the same answer as my older ones, except this time I won't apologize for him not being here. I didn't have anything to do with that.
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9 comments:
I love this so much. It really makes me wonder about my baby boy and what he will ask about his Dad some day. Thank you for sharing. *Sniffle*Sniffle* Now, stop making me cry so I can get back to work =P
I swear you and I have lived some of the same life! My father has been in and out of prison my entire life and is not a good person.I have also reconnected with cousins on my fathers side this last year through FB. My Father has a FB page, he sent friend requests to my cousins, but not my brother, sister or myself. I know if someone calls to tell me he has passed I to will cry, because I do have a heart and compassion. That is something my mother taught me.
I feel for you :( Maybe your cousins should read this hmmmmmmmm? But then if he did start coming around, you wouldn't exactly know that it was cuz he wanted to, not cuz he felt guilty for not. Ugh. Life :/
This was really a tear jerker, would like to hit the jerk with a rock for being such a worthless father.
That was beautiful. I am sorry you have had to go through this. New follower!
http://adventuresofaminnesotamom.blogspot.com/
I can empathize with every word of this blog post, except it's my mom. She left when I was a baby, and we didn't live a state or three away. We lived 10 minutes away. I saw her MAYBE twice a year. And those times were when *I* asked to see her. I begged and pleaded and chased her for 18 years. Then she decided that it wasn't worth her time to come to my high school graduation. After I'd quit school for a year to have my first child, her 3rd grandchild. I never even got a phone call. I got one a week after my birthday a month and a half later asking if I got her present. And the phone call wasn't even to me, it was to my sister having her ask me. That was the last I heard from my mother for 13 years. I had 2 more children after that, and was pregnant with my fourth and the ONLY reason I called was because I was in dire medical straits (unexplained migraines and the Dr was certain there was heredity involved because there was ***NO*** other answer). So I called her and found out that we DO have a family history of it. Her mother had migraines her whole life. Hmm. I never knew that. Lots I never knew. I have somewhat of a relationship with her, but no more than when I was a kid. Except I don't beg to come up anymore.
So I can empathize with you. I have had every one of those thoughts, every one of those feelings, and my kids have all (except the little one, she's only 3) asked those exact same questions. It makes me sad, because I'm close to ALL my kids, and so are their Dads. I've been married 3 times, and am definitely on my LAST marriage as my husband and I have been together 10 years. lol Anyway, I'm still close to both my exes, we can talk for hours on the phone, they see their kids weekly and we ALL show up to everything involving our kids, p/t conferences, graduations, programs, even soccer practices!! I simply do not understand people who can check out of their kids lives. I simply CAN NOT. I don't get it. I could no more walk out without a backward look than I could grow wings and fly. I don't understand it, and it makes me very heartsick that she could. Because, while my father was everything to me, and I wish I could be half the parent he has been to me, I miss having a mom. I give Dad mother's day cards AND father's day cards. He's my best friend, to the point we live right across the street. lol But I miss my mom. Actually, I think I miss the mom I am to my kids, for myself. :( And I miss it for you, with your dad. He's not a Dad, he's a dad. *hugs you tight* Know you're not alone in this. Unfortunately there are way too many of us out there. Lucky for our kids, we learned early that kids need us, and they get US. ALL of us, heart and soul. And are better people in the long run for it. So, while we are missing something, the world is benefiting I think. *hugs tight*
Sorry for the long comment. ;-)
This post hits home for me, too. The difference is, I have my answer about my father's funeral. My father died 8 years ago, when my son was 2 and I was 32. I grieved for a year. But it was not the grief of one who has loved and lost a person who will be missed. I grieved the death of my dream. I always wanted my father to be a part of my life. I wanted him to love me. His death forced me to accept-once and forever and always- that my dream would never come true. As you know, sometimes dreams are better than reality and so the pain of losing that dream was terrible. And it sucked.
Opening up and sharing this with the world is brave. Kudos to you. Not knowing you or your dad I would say he's scared. I'm not making excuses for him as he was a coward for leaving and not stepping up/contacting you over the years etc... If he was scared when you were a baby, he's scared now.The "unknown" is what he's scared about. Not knowing how you'll react. Not knowing what difficult questions you might grill him about. Not knowing basically what's going to come through the phone as he has very little memories.He probably also thinks negative if he contacts you because he carries a deep guilt and sorrow for lost time. That over shadows the joyous life he could share with you and your beautiful family. You're right he's losing out, not you or your family. You're clearly happy and have turned out well despite his absence. You do CARE or else you wouldn't write about the pain or be angry. If you contacted him (taking the high road) what about family counseling? If expensive, what about through a church? You could start the healing process. If it's not worth your time.Accept the person you've become growing up without a father (easier said, than done.) Be happy that your husband is there for you & your children. You'll be the best wife and mother because you know the pain of living without a father and would never want him to be absent.You've obviously turned out to be fabulous. Much healing and prayers to you and your beautiful family.
This is a great piece. I am glad I found you through RTT. We should trade daddy issue stories. But, you just did. So maybe I'll toss around the idea for my blog sometime.
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