Here is to you BraveHeart and your beautiful mommy. I love you BIG TIME.
To the ones that are not here...
Oh, Mom of Wild Ones…I am honored to have been asked to write for you. Thank you for always keeping it real…YOU are a treasure to the mothering community!
I know that this is a very safe place to be very real about my motherhood journey, so I’m not going to hold back. I am an imperfect wife to an imperfect husband of 18 years…but, we got each other’s back ~ and we love each other big time. I’m 38 and he’s 40.
Before children I worked as a deaf ed interpreter for DallasISD. I loved my job. But, as I would sit on the play ground…I would watch the difference between boys and girls. I won’t go into detail…but, I had decided…I really wanted to raise sons. Girls were too moody, mean, abstract, prissy…. In 1993 I gave birth to my 1st daughter. In 1997 I gave birth to my 2nd daughter. In 2001 I gave birth to my 3rd daughter. In 2003 I gave birth to my identical twin daughters. And in 2008 I gave birth to my 6th daughter. God makes perfect families….it is funny to me now because my girls are so amazing and sweet.
This, though, is not about who is here…THIS is about who is missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am soooo thankful for the wonderful blessings I have in my daughters. But, again, this is about who is not here and who I never got to hold on Earth. In 2006 we got pregnant. I have never had any issues with pregnancy or birth. So, I didn’t hurry to the OB’s office. At 12 weeks along I started bleeding. We went to the ER and the sonographer said there was no fetal pole and no heartbeat. This was very sad. But, I processed it as…my turn to become “1 in 4 survivors of baby loss”, I had a good run up until now. (The current ratio right now is 1 in 4 women will suffer a baby loss in their child bearing years. The ratio is actually probably higher…but, this is the ratio everyone is happy with.) Her name is Esther, which means star.
We got pregnant again in 2007. This time I had an early batch of blood work done…which, looked good. Then, we had an 8 week sono which showed no fetal pole and no heartbeat. Again…the baby had died 3 weeks after conception. Ok…so, maybe my body doesn’t do this well anymore. I had turned 30 … maybe my body needed a little help. But, no doctors would help me because in order to get the big guns testing done…ACOG recommends that a woman must have 3 losses IN A ROW. Which sucks….because 50% of all miscarriages are preventable. His name is Baby Jeremiah which means God will undo the pain.
In 2008 we got pregnant with Raychel. I began spotting around week 5ish (like I had w/ my two losses but, those docs said spotting was normal for some women)…a new OB immediately put me on a progesterone supp. The spotting went away. We got a fetal pole….a heartbeat….movement…..and a live 40 week baby! (During this pregnancy an OB did test me for a blood clotting disorder, which came back slightly positive. So, I was started on heparin injections in the belly at 29 weeks along.)
In 2009 we got pregnant again. And we JUST knew our problem was a short luteal phase/lack of progesterone. I immediately started a Progest supplement and low dose aspirin…just in case there was something to that blood clotting thing. We got a fetal pole, good looking yolk sac, heartbeat, movement and 12 weeks. We told everyone we were expecting again. At 14 weeks (July 25, 2009) the heartbeat stopped. His name was Baby Gabriel Dominick which means “belonging to God”.
On July 25, 2010 we conceived again. Immediately we started progesterone, low dose aspirin, and heparin injections…this is about everything anyone can offer to a habitual abort-er (my new title). (Side note: I hate EVERY term assoc w/ baby loss…they are all evil.) We made it to 17 weeks and our baby boy died. His name was Braveheart. I named him this to honor all the baby loss mamas who know the risks…but, they put their heart on the line again and again because they treasure motherhood. They rejoice in growing/birthing/teaching/loving/nurturing another little human…. His birth story is here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/note.php?note_id=440649749363
In Dec 2010 we conceived again…at 3 weeks along my HCG was 18 and 2 days later my HCG was 12. The next day Baby Love was born.
Babyloss is very abstract to grieve…there are no lovely memories you can look back on. I describe the pain…as being trapped in a paper sack that you cannot punch out of. A fellow Babyloss survivor of 3 angels says, “Yeah…but, the paper bag is filled with poison gas that is only effecting you…everyone around you…is like, get out of the freakin bag….what’s your issue?” I have had my fair share of abusive comments to deal with. And mostly, I’ve been able to walk away…people only know what they have been through. And most people these days don’t wanna get to know your pain. I have an AMAZING village of mamas who “get” the love of motherhood. I have a great family support system. And I’m very involved in the Babyloss community which, is sadly growing by leaps and bounds every day. It is important to surround yourself with people who “get it”. That being said, I do visualize myself as an old lady driving around town (I do my best bawling in the car)…still bawling for the babies I never held/never got to know. For the babies I could not save. For the babies that were so wanted. For the babies who are waiting for their mama with all the other babies who left far too early…for the perfect babies that I will meet in Eternity. Because there is nothing that will heal a mother’s heart for as long as she lives on Earth without her children that left her womb or her arms too early. Nothing.
Currently, we do not feel our family is complete. By my charts, I haven’t ovulated in 2 months. We do not qualify for Foster to Adopt because we have 6 beautiful kids currently in our home. We do not have $30,000 for an agency adoption. We have worked with the local adoption attorney … he is amazing and affordable…but, he doesn’t really do any matching. We could come to him with our own expectant mother/couple, who wanted us to parent their child. So (my plug), if you know anyone in a crisis pregnancy situation.. We would love to send her/them our profile. (We are very open to any child.) plug over …Every once in a while I feel greedy for desiring more children. But, I can’t help it…I’ve tried to fight it. I am a mother…I was made to love and nurture beautiful souls.
I could write lots more on all the other parts of my journey … and of course, lots more on the six pack who did come. They are AMAZING, beautiful people. But, today I’m writing about who isn’t here. Life is a precious gift…never take it for granted.
Kristi is the owner of a fabulous store - stop in for a visit
5 comments:
I have to tell you that I usually shy away from what I call "moany pregnancy/miscarriage" tales because after countless and painful and expensive procedures, I could never become pregnant and the pain of "failure" is a deep one. But reading your story, I can identify with the cycle of hope, the despair, the resignation. And let me tell you, as the mother of two now, at least one of whom is adopted, adoption is the greatest thing I ever did with my life and makes every shot, every egg collection, every negative test so worth it. May your family be so blessed. I have had to accept that the baby who belongs in your home is the one who will just show up one day. xFF
In 2010, we conceived on the same day and both experienced a loss.....our lives are forever knit together!
Loss makes you a different type of mom. I think I am more grateful and yet I fight negative feelings when I see big round bellies and hear stories of mom who "didn't even know she was pregnant".....it's part of the journey....there are many ups and downs and opportunities to grow, reflect and wonder at the miracle of life and loss.
Kristi, you are amazing and have such a way with words. You have so much to teach people, your heart is so pure. Much love from me! ♥
Thank you for posting this. While I have only suffered one loss, it is still painful, and it still lingers. I still mourn the dreams and hopes that were taken away from me (and baby) far too early. I mourn the person he would have been. I call him "he" - but have no idea if he was a he or a she... Doesn't matter. He was a perfect soul - just not one who was meant to live on earth.
I pray for you that you are able to complete your family. And I pray for all of those other mamas who are suffering in silence.
Side note - How come NO ONE talks about this?! I never knew anyone who had suffered a loss, until I did, and I talked about it. Then I realized that others had suffered, but never discussed it... Is it shame? avoidance? What keeps women (and men) from discussing this?
Reading your post made me impressed. Good writing skills made me understand all your thoughts and ideas. Keep it up!
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