Sex and Marriage… Part 1

Did your eyes light up when you saw the title or did you cringe just a little? It’s time to address the giant pink Elephant standing in the corner. I actually have a giant pick elephant standing in the corner or maybe that’s a sex swing, whatever.


I personally think sex is awesome and I like to have it a lot, with my husband (just making sure to set that straight). I also think sex is crucial in developing a long lasting healthy marriage. When I say sex I am not talking about just S E X – like a bottle of Boones Farm and the backseat of a Buick SEX – which may be how 3 out of 5 of my children were conceived. Don’t judge me.

I am talking about the moments we share with our spouse, the intimate time that we set aside to adore each other. To love each other, to show each other just how much they mean to us. Most of time those moments will turn into S E X, but not always and that’s ok.

I cannot tell you how Men do or should feel about sex or how Women should or do feel about sex. I can only tell you my thoughts and thoughts from friends that have opened up to me about this subject.

Recently I opened up a discussion on Facebook and asked for thoughts about SEX and Marriage. Honestly I did not think I would get any feedback. Boy was I wrong. It was great to read about the struggles and concerns that women have with SEX in their marriage. I even got a few comments from the men and it was really an eye opener.

I don’t think we as women, as mothers, as wives, as sisters, as daughters as friends talk about it enough. It almost seems like we shouldn’t. SEX is all around us and yet I really don’t discuss it with my girlfriends. Men do! In fact I can’t get through a 30 minute TV show without hearing about Erectile Dysfunction.

So why are we not talking about this? We talk about Postpartum Depression, we talk about struggling with breast feeding, we talk about our periods, we talk about stretch marks, we talk about everything but that damn Pink Elephant standing in the corner.

As your marriage grows and life events happen then your SEX life has to evolve around it all. There will be peaks and valleys within your intimacy.

When you first get married and go through the “honeymoon” stage you are having a lot of sex. Or at least you should be. You are impressing each other and doing tricks. Waking up to brush your teeth before the other wakes up. You are setting the alarm early just to get in some booty time before work. You’re keeping your lady parts all cleaned up and pretty. Maybe even a little glitter and some rhinestones. What? You don’t do that? Don’t judge me.

Then life sets in and you get pregnant and your belly stretches and your boobs get bigger (yay! Until they deflate like old withered banana peels) and then you and your husband share the most intimate moment you will ever experience – the birth of your child. Your husband is amazed and just thinks you are awesome and strong and blah, blah, blah. I can tell you right know that after that moment was gone, I was worried about how my lady parts would look after pushing a bowling ball through a straw. I wondered how in the hell my vagina would ever bounce back. Well after 5, let me just say the vagina is one amazing muscle. It’s called KEGEL exercise. If you don’t know what that is then shame on you and look that shit up. It will save your life. Ok maybe not save your life but your husband will thank you for it.

So after birth you typically wait like 4-6 weeks before you resume the SEX. It sounds like a long time but it goes by quickly when you have a tiny human attached to your breast 24/7 and you sleep about as much as a serial killer. (I don’t know how much a serial killer sleeps. I just assume in that line of work that they sleep maybe 3 hours per night) Also I think the first 4 weeks after having a baby, you might shower 3 times. Every piece of clothing you own is stained with some type of bodily fluid and you can’t really ever pinpoint whose it is. Your vagina is sore and tired and possibly stitched up from having to be cut or torn to get the precious bundle of joy out. I almost forgot the hormones, Jesus the hormones. It’s like any second you could totally turn into the Hulk. Picture the Hulk with raw nipples and a stitched up vagina. That is scary. So it is no wonder that at 4-6 weeks after giving birth you are not ready to jump back into the sack and become the sex goddess you once were. So be patient and talk with your husband about why you are not ready. That is the key – TALK TO EACH OTHER. Find other ways to be intimate if going all the way is too much for you.

I will say this – If your child is approaching their first Birthday and you are still using the old “I just had a baby” excuse then you need help and so does your marriage. Don’t sweep that problem under the rug. Find out why you do not want to have sex! Are your hormones out of whack (that’s fixable) is your husband pissing you off? Tell him even if it starts a fight. Is the baby sleeping in your bed, then put a damn blanket on the floor and get busy. Hire a sitter and go down a quiet country road with your husband. If you live in the North Texas area, email me and I will give you some great quiet country road locations.

I would say at 3 or 4 months post birth I was back in the saddle again. Playing the meat flute. Gross. Even I can’t believe I just typed that. I was tired due to nursing a baby all night but I needed that connection with my husband. After a few weeks I feel a bit lost without it. I think we all should feel that way. Maybe not 24/7 but I think that being intimate with your husband should make your love cup runneth over. I believe that it is part of my wifely duty (don’t get your panties all bunched up) to make sure my husband is pleased and serviced.

Yes I just said serviced. It may sound a little like a job and it is, but it is a job that I love to do. In return Big Daddy makes sure all my needs are met as well. It is very mutual and all that sharing and caring will flow over into your everyday life.

A newly acquired friend from Roller Derby emailed me about this subject and said something that I just love. She mentioned how she thought it was a shame that so many married women don’t really enjoy sex and put very little work into keeping it fresh and fun. I totally agree with her. She has been giving her husband “The Blessing” and it has worked for 17 years.

There will be a part 2 this post and possibly a part 3. So email your thoughts and I will get to work on the 2nd part to this. I have a lot more to say on this subject.


Until then, clean up your lady parts, bedazzle your VAGINA and have SEX with your husband!