Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. It has also been the most rewarding thing.
I was pregnant and or breast feeding for most of my twenties. I did it all again (twice) in my thirties.
I have been underweight, overweight, broke, sick, healthy, wealthy and just plain damn tired.
I have been depressed, suffered anxiety disorders, medicated (legally and not)
I have went through and survived a nasty divorce
I have made friends, lost friends, needed friends
I have cried myself to sleep, I have stayed up endless nights
I have experienced times when I just didn’t want to be a mother, a wife a friend or anything
I have been to the bottom of the deepest darkest holes
…
Through all this, I have never ever forgotten my child in a car in any weather much less the blazing hot summer.
I have never ever even thought about drowning my children in the bath tub or buckling them into their carseats and sinking the car in a lake.
I have no pity, no tolerance, no compassion for this
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
REAL moms
A while back I had a good friend share my blog link on her facebook page. A bit of a firestorm was created when one of her friends made the comment that although she thought I was funny, she was totally turned off by the fact that I had recently had plastic surgery. She said she needed a “Real” mom’s blog to read. Apparently if I had the time and resources to have plastic surgery that I am not the one raising my children and in her eyes I was not a “Real” mom.
Of course this totally pissed me off cause I am not real good at brushing things like this off. The replies back to her comments backed up my feelings on the whole REAL mom thing. I am sure now that she thinks about it, she hastily judged me and the type of mother I am by my choice of having plastic surgery.
I get that. By choosing to be very open about my plastic surgery choice, I open myself up to people like this. I am ok with it. I do not regret being open about my choices. I had hoped that with being up front about it all it would help someone out there that has been contemplating plastic surgery. From the responses I have received, I am sure it has helped many people.
Through this I have had a chance to sit back and really look at all the DIFFERENT types of mothers that I am friends with. I have friends that homeschool their children, some send their kids to private school, some public school, some feed their kids all organic, some don’t, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, a mixture of both, baby wearing, co sleeping, crunchy granola, Ferber method, vaccine giving, vaccine delaying, home birthing, csection having, epidural wanting, circumcision, non circumcision, time out, spanking, soft spoken, crazy yelling, protected sex, NO SEX, hand me downs, boutique only, thrift shopping, into fitness, fine with fatass, real boobs, fake boobs, stay at home, gotta work, single, divorced, love men, love women…
No matter our differences we all have a few things in common: we are all REAL moms and we all REALLY love our children. Even you – yes you – the one who based my mothering on the realness of my breast. You my friend can KISS MY REAL TIGHT ASS.
Stay wild bitches!
Of course this totally pissed me off cause I am not real good at brushing things like this off. The replies back to her comments backed up my feelings on the whole REAL mom thing. I am sure now that she thinks about it, she hastily judged me and the type of mother I am by my choice of having plastic surgery.
I get that. By choosing to be very open about my plastic surgery choice, I open myself up to people like this. I am ok with it. I do not regret being open about my choices. I had hoped that with being up front about it all it would help someone out there that has been contemplating plastic surgery. From the responses I have received, I am sure it has helped many people.
Through this I have had a chance to sit back and really look at all the DIFFERENT types of mothers that I am friends with. I have friends that homeschool their children, some send their kids to private school, some public school, some feed their kids all organic, some don’t, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, a mixture of both, baby wearing, co sleeping, crunchy granola, Ferber method, vaccine giving, vaccine delaying, home birthing, csection having, epidural wanting, circumcision, non circumcision, time out, spanking, soft spoken, crazy yelling, protected sex, NO SEX, hand me downs, boutique only, thrift shopping, into fitness, fine with fatass, real boobs, fake boobs, stay at home, gotta work, single, divorced, love men, love women…
No matter our differences we all have a few things in common: we are all REAL moms and we all REALLY love our children. Even you – yes you – the one who based my mothering on the realness of my breast. You my friend can KISS MY REAL TIGHT ASS.
Stay wild bitches!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Can you hear me now?
This next post was written by a very special mama. We met when it was time for The Wild Man to start going to a sitter (he was 7 months old) - he had came to work with me after he was born and stayed for 7 months. I entrusted her with my child and our friendship grew and grew and still grows to this day. She has truly blessed my life with beauty and wisdom. I am a better person for knowing her. Tasha is also the creative genious behind NHance photography. She captured my 5th and final pregnacy from the day the stick showed pregnant to the day the Baby was born. I wouldn't use anyone else.I have a feeling that this will not be the last guest post you read from this mama.
This is her story:
Walking the line between the hearing and deaf world, with my toes white knuckling the hearing side…
I have experienced many challenges in life, as a mother, and as a woman. Each challenge has helped shape the woman, wife, friend and mother I am today. Each one has given me the opportunity to choose to either crawl in a corner and hide forever or have my moment of weakness and then grow and come out stronger. There have been times I wasn’t sure I would be able to overcome some of my challenges. I felt the weight of my circumstances almost unbearable. I’ve been a teen mom, suffered infertility, difficult pregnancies with 3.5 week hospital stays isolated from my family, health issues that resulted in losing a tube and ovary (a big deal to a woman who was trying desperately to get pregnant), miscarriage, fostering a very troubled teen brother in law, helping a husband (who I’ve been with since I was 15) survive alcoholism. I could write about any number of these, but Anna asked me to share my story about the one thing that effects my daily life now, it’s part of who I am and has forced me to make some very real life changes. I’m no longer just a mom, wife, friend … I’m also hearing impaired, “disabled” .. although, I consider myself very ABLE to do a lot of things, there are also a lot of things I cannot do or enjoy anymore and I am faced with the DAILY choice to either suck it up and keep going or crawl into my corner and play the “I can’t” game. I have my bad days, I’m human… but most people who know me know that I get over it quick and do what I know to do best, and that’s to just put my big girl panties back on and embrace this new life I was given. Because, that’s the one thing that snaps me out of those days quickly.. when I look around at these 5 little smiles (most of the time they are smiles) and am reminded that hearing or not, I’m still alive, I’m still a mom, I still have the best friends, husband and family a girl could ask for and THIS is the life that HE has chosen for me to live and so I do my best to embrace it.
I started to really notice a difference in my hearing about 10 years ago. It just progressively and “slowly” (although, hearing loss like mine in someone in their 20’s is not slow, and is pretty significant) kept getting worse. I went to see doctor after doctor about the ringing in my ears that would never go away and having a harder and harder time hearing things. The each would order blood test after blood test and I have had probably 5 mri/cat scans done. Each would basically shrug their shoulders and say they could not tell me why this is happening or if it will continue. The loss was fairly easy to cope with for the most part until February of 2009. I remember those dark 72 hours like they were yesterday. Probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and the hardest to learn to “deal” with. Ironically, I had just bought my first dslr camera (which has been such a blessing in disguise… it’s almost like it was divine intervention that I felt a strong need to invest in a camera and it sparking this new found passion of mine) and talked a friend into letting me play and take some maternity pictures of her. We went to the park and while we were walking around, I kept telling her I was having a REALLY hard time hearing her and my ears were ringing very loudly that day. She was having to speak up and stop to face me to talk to me. The next day I woke up and kept getting dizzy spells and even my own voice sounded VERY strange to me.. almost like when children speak into a box fan. That evening I was sitting on one couch doing some research on photography and my husband was sitting on the other couch watching tv. He was trying to tell me something news related that I had no clue about and I remember getting VERY frustrated b/c it was confusing me because I could not understand what he was saying. It was like trying to understand someone speaking a forgein language you barely understand.. like you hear/understand one word out of a sentence and are trying to piece together what they are saying based on body language, hand movements and that ONE word. I flat out told him, “please stop talking to me, I am not understanding a word you say”. Not understanding what was happening to me (and neither did I really), he got upset too and said it was just because I wasn’t paying attention to him (understand, he is very understanding about my hearing loss.. but neither of us knew what was happening, and I thought I was just having a “bad” night for hearing, which I was having more often at that time, just not quite so severe). The next morning I woke up, went pee, walked to the sink to brush my teeth and was thinking how wonky my head felt and gosh my ears are ringing LOUD today.. turned on the sink and had a “what the fuck is going on” moment (sorry.. but let’s be honest.. it was pretty freaking scary) … I could see the water was on, I could feel the water with my hand.. but it was like my world was suddenly on mute and I could not hear anything (besides the terrible ringing in my ears, which I still have today.. it’s like my amputated leg that you can’t see so people forget that I have that problem). Ok, I could “hear”, but it was not normal, at all. Remember Charlie Browns teacher “waa, waaaaa, waaa, waaaa…”, that’s exactly how people talking sounded to me. I could not hear my childrens tiny voices, even when they yelled, I could “hear” them, but the sound was traveling through damaged parts, so I could not understand the words.. like someone speaking a foreign language again. I would cry, and they would cry. My husband was not at home, it was just me and my two youngest (I only had 4 at the time, and the baby was 4 months old). I can’t remember if I tried to call Anna and Kirk or if I texted them… I do remember having the conversation with Anna about not wanting to go to the doctor because they would just shrug their shoulders like all the other times (although, it had never been so sudden and severe until then) and she told me “go to the freaking doctor, this is not normal”. So I did.
I’ll try to sum up what happened over the next 5 months, because that’s how long it took for things to start happening and for me to start to get at least one foot back into the hearing world. There was a lot of crying (between me and my frustrated husband and children in not being able to communicate normally), a lot of frustration, a lot of anger (me being angry at God for blessing me with four beautiful children who I could not hear their sweet laughter or questions or cries for help), a lot of depression.. it was the darkest 5 months of my life to this day. I could not even call a friend or my Mom to talk about it because I couldn’t hear them on the phone. My husband and I would sit on the couches in the same room and “instant message” each other “it’s going to be okay, we’ll get through this”. I was sent to 4 different “specialist” before being moved to the big dogs at UNT who specialize in cochlear implants, because that is where I am headed if this happens again. Nobody can explain why have been losing my hearing. They have done every test they know to do. Their best “guess” is that it is autoimmune because each time I have gone because of the ringing (which is a sign and result of hearing loss) they have given me high dose steroids for a week or two and over a month or so, I will slowly get “some” of my hearing back but damage is done each time that cannot be fixed. Each “episode” of hearing loss (I have 4 documented with hearing tests over the last 7 years, this last one being the most severe) is like taking 10 steps back and 2 steps forward with the steroids.. they don’t fix it, but help it level off before too much damage is done. That is pretty typical for autoimmune hearing loss, so that is their best guess and because of that.. it really is just a guessing game whether or not I will continue to lose my hearing or if it will stay like this for 10, 20, or 30+ years. I am not a doom and gloom person, but my reality is, that it is a very real possibility that in the next 10 years, cochlear implants may be my only option… which means, when I take them off (like hearing aids), my world will be completely silent (besides the hearing.. some CI patients say the implants made the ringing go away and some say it stays the same.. I would hope that it would go away, I think). I try not to think about it too much and just focus on my world today. In case you are wondering… normal hearing is measured by the hearing threshold level in decibel from -10-110.. “normal” hearing is anything that falls in the range of -10-20ish. Below that is having some hearing damage, below 40 they start to talk about hearing aids… 100+ is deaf, below 80 they tell you to consider cochlear implants… as of June 25, 2009, my hearing ranged from 70 to 85. I know I have lost some since then, but I’m not ready for implants yet.. I still have some hearing even without my hearing aids and I’m not ready to give that up yet. Some days are better than others. When I get to the point that every day is a BAD day and even the hearing aids are not helping, I will begin to consider making my next step to cochlear implants. People think hearing aids “fix” my hearing but fail to remember that it’s just like any other disability.. crutches don’t make a one legged man suddenly have two legs again.. the sound still travels through my damaged ear, so the sound is still distorted, it’s just louder and helps my brain to try to pick out words that are familiar by sounds. Lke f u rd a sntce tht ist spld w al th lttrs, u cn stl rd it f u pay cls attn and thnk abt it hrd. ;-) Now, imagine trying to read EVERYTHING like that… that is how hearing is with me… it’s not easy and I have to really think about what I hear to piece sounds together to what is familiar to me and what I know already.
Right now I wear (purple) behind the ear hearing aids. The small in the ear aids won’t work for my hearing loss. I still can’t hear whispers, I can’t hear you in the dark (I can “hear” you, but can’t hear the words), I can’t hear you if you walk behind or in front of me talking, I can’t hear you if you look out the window in the car and talk. We live in a hearing world and people are “lazy” when it comes to speaking. People talk walking around, don’t think about making sure their face is not covered by the pot hanging on the pot rack, look out the window and point at what they’re talking about, talk with their hand over their face, mumble … these are all things that are difficult for me. My children still get frustrated with me daily and at least every other day, one of them cries out of frustration of trying to talk to me because they have to repeat themselves MANY times and speak very loud and clear. Mornings are hard for me. Music is hard for me, it is more of an annoying “noise” than music anymore. I can’t watch tv or movies without captions. I text and email EVERYONE. I rely on my husband to make doctor appointments for me. I can’t call businesses or potential clients to discuss important things. I can do quick phone calls with *some people, it just depends on the tone of their voice because I hear some tones/voices better than others, and, some people are just better speakers than others. I cannot hear voices with heavy accents, and I feel bad because I don’t want to sound prejudice to potential clients, but I simply can’t hear their words, at all.
Some very wonderful things have happened to me though. I spent a LOT of time crying over all the things I could not do anymore. I was angry that I would never be a nurse or a midwife or any kind of care provider that I had really hoped to do. I was given this amazing opportunity to go back to college and get a college degree, up to my phd if I want to, and it’s paid for as a hearing disabled person now. But, that means I have to go and fight being able to hear my classmates and professors, and means I have to pick what to do “when I grow up” and that was another really hard struggle because so many careers require you to be able to hear, be able to communicate with clients and be able to have phone conversations (there ARE ways to use the phone as a hearing impaired person, but they are more difficult for both parties and people become very impatient). I am trying to learn a new language, sign language… and will teach my family so that if/when we NEED it, we can communicate easily. That camera purchase I made the month I lost my hearing 2 years ago, has been my saving grace. My world is very visual now. I walk on the fine line between the hearing and deaf world. My toes are barely hanging on to the hearing world, but I will white knuckle it to the end. I do very well face to face with my hearing aids and people who are understanding of my hearing. I find that as long as I’m honest about my hearing, people are pretty good about standing in front of me to talk. I have grown to LOVE photography because it is a way I can express myself visually. I can capture life, capture my childrens smiles, their look of curiosity as they dig through the sand or creativity as they paint. I don’t have to hear to do this work, I just have to see with my heart and it shows through my work (at least, I hope it does). It has changed my life. It has given me new hope. It has empowered me to keep my chin up and just embrace what life has to offer me, because, that’s all we can do. We may be given some pretty crappy cards sometime, but it’s our choice to lay them down and quit or to bluff our way through and come out winning. I totally bluff my way through… sometimes people have no clue I am hearing impaired unless I tell them because I fake it and I’m good at smiling and nodding. I’m still a wife and a mom and a friend and a very able woman…. Even if the day comes that I can no longer hear my childrens sweet voices, I will still be able to see their smiles and feel their arms wrapped around my neck and THAT, my friends, is what keeps me going….that, and some pretty freaking amazing friends, family and the most supportive and loving husband who I know will always be there to catch me when I need him to.
This is her story:
Walking the line between the hearing and deaf world, with my toes white knuckling the hearing side…
I have experienced many challenges in life, as a mother, and as a woman. Each challenge has helped shape the woman, wife, friend and mother I am today. Each one has given me the opportunity to choose to either crawl in a corner and hide forever or have my moment of weakness and then grow and come out stronger. There have been times I wasn’t sure I would be able to overcome some of my challenges. I felt the weight of my circumstances almost unbearable. I’ve been a teen mom, suffered infertility, difficult pregnancies with 3.5 week hospital stays isolated from my family, health issues that resulted in losing a tube and ovary (a big deal to a woman who was trying desperately to get pregnant), miscarriage, fostering a very troubled teen brother in law, helping a husband (who I’ve been with since I was 15) survive alcoholism. I could write about any number of these, but Anna asked me to share my story about the one thing that effects my daily life now, it’s part of who I am and has forced me to make some very real life changes. I’m no longer just a mom, wife, friend … I’m also hearing impaired, “disabled” .. although, I consider myself very ABLE to do a lot of things, there are also a lot of things I cannot do or enjoy anymore and I am faced with the DAILY choice to either suck it up and keep going or crawl into my corner and play the “I can’t” game. I have my bad days, I’m human… but most people who know me know that I get over it quick and do what I know to do best, and that’s to just put my big girl panties back on and embrace this new life I was given. Because, that’s the one thing that snaps me out of those days quickly.. when I look around at these 5 little smiles (most of the time they are smiles) and am reminded that hearing or not, I’m still alive, I’m still a mom, I still have the best friends, husband and family a girl could ask for and THIS is the life that HE has chosen for me to live and so I do my best to embrace it.
I started to really notice a difference in my hearing about 10 years ago. It just progressively and “slowly” (although, hearing loss like mine in someone in their 20’s is not slow, and is pretty significant) kept getting worse. I went to see doctor after doctor about the ringing in my ears that would never go away and having a harder and harder time hearing things. The each would order blood test after blood test and I have had probably 5 mri/cat scans done. Each would basically shrug their shoulders and say they could not tell me why this is happening or if it will continue. The loss was fairly easy to cope with for the most part until February of 2009. I remember those dark 72 hours like they were yesterday. Probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and the hardest to learn to “deal” with. Ironically, I had just bought my first dslr camera (which has been such a blessing in disguise… it’s almost like it was divine intervention that I felt a strong need to invest in a camera and it sparking this new found passion of mine) and talked a friend into letting me play and take some maternity pictures of her. We went to the park and while we were walking around, I kept telling her I was having a REALLY hard time hearing her and my ears were ringing very loudly that day. She was having to speak up and stop to face me to talk to me. The next day I woke up and kept getting dizzy spells and even my own voice sounded VERY strange to me.. almost like when children speak into a box fan. That evening I was sitting on one couch doing some research on photography and my husband was sitting on the other couch watching tv. He was trying to tell me something news related that I had no clue about and I remember getting VERY frustrated b/c it was confusing me because I could not understand what he was saying. It was like trying to understand someone speaking a forgein language you barely understand.. like you hear/understand one word out of a sentence and are trying to piece together what they are saying based on body language, hand movements and that ONE word. I flat out told him, “please stop talking to me, I am not understanding a word you say”. Not understanding what was happening to me (and neither did I really), he got upset too and said it was just because I wasn’t paying attention to him (understand, he is very understanding about my hearing loss.. but neither of us knew what was happening, and I thought I was just having a “bad” night for hearing, which I was having more often at that time, just not quite so severe). The next morning I woke up, went pee, walked to the sink to brush my teeth and was thinking how wonky my head felt and gosh my ears are ringing LOUD today.. turned on the sink and had a “what the fuck is going on” moment (sorry.. but let’s be honest.. it was pretty freaking scary) … I could see the water was on, I could feel the water with my hand.. but it was like my world was suddenly on mute and I could not hear anything (besides the terrible ringing in my ears, which I still have today.. it’s like my amputated leg that you can’t see so people forget that I have that problem). Ok, I could “hear”, but it was not normal, at all. Remember Charlie Browns teacher “waa, waaaaa, waaa, waaaa…”, that’s exactly how people talking sounded to me. I could not hear my childrens tiny voices, even when they yelled, I could “hear” them, but the sound was traveling through damaged parts, so I could not understand the words.. like someone speaking a foreign language again. I would cry, and they would cry. My husband was not at home, it was just me and my two youngest (I only had 4 at the time, and the baby was 4 months old). I can’t remember if I tried to call Anna and Kirk or if I texted them… I do remember having the conversation with Anna about not wanting to go to the doctor because they would just shrug their shoulders like all the other times (although, it had never been so sudden and severe until then) and she told me “go to the freaking doctor, this is not normal”. So I did.
I’ll try to sum up what happened over the next 5 months, because that’s how long it took for things to start happening and for me to start to get at least one foot back into the hearing world. There was a lot of crying (between me and my frustrated husband and children in not being able to communicate normally), a lot of frustration, a lot of anger (me being angry at God for blessing me with four beautiful children who I could not hear their sweet laughter or questions or cries for help), a lot of depression.. it was the darkest 5 months of my life to this day. I could not even call a friend or my Mom to talk about it because I couldn’t hear them on the phone. My husband and I would sit on the couches in the same room and “instant message” each other “it’s going to be okay, we’ll get through this”. I was sent to 4 different “specialist” before being moved to the big dogs at UNT who specialize in cochlear implants, because that is where I am headed if this happens again. Nobody can explain why have been losing my hearing. They have done every test they know to do. Their best “guess” is that it is autoimmune because each time I have gone because of the ringing (which is a sign and result of hearing loss) they have given me high dose steroids for a week or two and over a month or so, I will slowly get “some” of my hearing back but damage is done each time that cannot be fixed. Each “episode” of hearing loss (I have 4 documented with hearing tests over the last 7 years, this last one being the most severe) is like taking 10 steps back and 2 steps forward with the steroids.. they don’t fix it, but help it level off before too much damage is done. That is pretty typical for autoimmune hearing loss, so that is their best guess and because of that.. it really is just a guessing game whether or not I will continue to lose my hearing or if it will stay like this for 10, 20, or 30+ years. I am not a doom and gloom person, but my reality is, that it is a very real possibility that in the next 10 years, cochlear implants may be my only option… which means, when I take them off (like hearing aids), my world will be completely silent (besides the hearing.. some CI patients say the implants made the ringing go away and some say it stays the same.. I would hope that it would go away, I think). I try not to think about it too much and just focus on my world today. In case you are wondering… normal hearing is measured by the hearing threshold level in decibel from -10-110.. “normal” hearing is anything that falls in the range of -10-20ish. Below that is having some hearing damage, below 40 they start to talk about hearing aids… 100+ is deaf, below 80 they tell you to consider cochlear implants… as of June 25, 2009, my hearing ranged from 70 to 85. I know I have lost some since then, but I’m not ready for implants yet.. I still have some hearing even without my hearing aids and I’m not ready to give that up yet. Some days are better than others. When I get to the point that every day is a BAD day and even the hearing aids are not helping, I will begin to consider making my next step to cochlear implants. People think hearing aids “fix” my hearing but fail to remember that it’s just like any other disability.. crutches don’t make a one legged man suddenly have two legs again.. the sound still travels through my damaged ear, so the sound is still distorted, it’s just louder and helps my brain to try to pick out words that are familiar by sounds. Lke f u rd a sntce tht ist spld w al th lttrs, u cn stl rd it f u pay cls attn and thnk abt it hrd. ;-) Now, imagine trying to read EVERYTHING like that… that is how hearing is with me… it’s not easy and I have to really think about what I hear to piece sounds together to what is familiar to me and what I know already.
Right now I wear (purple) behind the ear hearing aids. The small in the ear aids won’t work for my hearing loss. I still can’t hear whispers, I can’t hear you in the dark (I can “hear” you, but can’t hear the words), I can’t hear you if you walk behind or in front of me talking, I can’t hear you if you look out the window in the car and talk. We live in a hearing world and people are “lazy” when it comes to speaking. People talk walking around, don’t think about making sure their face is not covered by the pot hanging on the pot rack, look out the window and point at what they’re talking about, talk with their hand over their face, mumble … these are all things that are difficult for me. My children still get frustrated with me daily and at least every other day, one of them cries out of frustration of trying to talk to me because they have to repeat themselves MANY times and speak very loud and clear. Mornings are hard for me. Music is hard for me, it is more of an annoying “noise” than music anymore. I can’t watch tv or movies without captions. I text and email EVERYONE. I rely on my husband to make doctor appointments for me. I can’t call businesses or potential clients to discuss important things. I can do quick phone calls with *some people, it just depends on the tone of their voice because I hear some tones/voices better than others, and, some people are just better speakers than others. I cannot hear voices with heavy accents, and I feel bad because I don’t want to sound prejudice to potential clients, but I simply can’t hear their words, at all.
Some very wonderful things have happened to me though. I spent a LOT of time crying over all the things I could not do anymore. I was angry that I would never be a nurse or a midwife or any kind of care provider that I had really hoped to do. I was given this amazing opportunity to go back to college and get a college degree, up to my phd if I want to, and it’s paid for as a hearing disabled person now. But, that means I have to go and fight being able to hear my classmates and professors, and means I have to pick what to do “when I grow up” and that was another really hard struggle because so many careers require you to be able to hear, be able to communicate with clients and be able to have phone conversations (there ARE ways to use the phone as a hearing impaired person, but they are more difficult for both parties and people become very impatient). I am trying to learn a new language, sign language… and will teach my family so that if/when we NEED it, we can communicate easily. That camera purchase I made the month I lost my hearing 2 years ago, has been my saving grace. My world is very visual now. I walk on the fine line between the hearing and deaf world. My toes are barely hanging on to the hearing world, but I will white knuckle it to the end. I do very well face to face with my hearing aids and people who are understanding of my hearing. I find that as long as I’m honest about my hearing, people are pretty good about standing in front of me to talk. I have grown to LOVE photography because it is a way I can express myself visually. I can capture life, capture my childrens smiles, their look of curiosity as they dig through the sand or creativity as they paint. I don’t have to hear to do this work, I just have to see with my heart and it shows through my work (at least, I hope it does). It has changed my life. It has given me new hope. It has empowered me to keep my chin up and just embrace what life has to offer me, because, that’s all we can do. We may be given some pretty crappy cards sometime, but it’s our choice to lay them down and quit or to bluff our way through and come out winning. I totally bluff my way through… sometimes people have no clue I am hearing impaired unless I tell them because I fake it and I’m good at smiling and nodding. I’m still a wife and a mom and a friend and a very able woman…. Even if the day comes that I can no longer hear my childrens sweet voices, I will still be able to see their smiles and feel their arms wrapped around my neck and THAT, my friends, is what keeps me going….that, and some pretty freaking amazing friends, family and the most supportive and loving husband who I know will always be there to catch me when I need him to.
For more information about her Photography please email her at Nhance5@verizon.net
This is a little video that Tasha made capturing a day with her 3 youngest ones A day in my life
Go check out her photoblog NHance Photography
Thursday, March 24, 2011
To the ones that are not here...
This next guest post has had an amazing effect on my heart and soul. She is part of my village of women. I came to know her during her pregnancy that occured in the summer of 2010. The bitty baby boy she carried was called BraveHeart. His name and story are etched into my soul forever.
Here is to you BraveHeart and your beautiful mommy. I love you BIG TIME.
I know that this is a very safe place to be very real about my motherhood journey, so I’m not going to hold back. I am an imperfect wife to an imperfect husband of 18 years…but, we got each other’s back ~ and we love each other big time. I’m 38 and he’s 40.
Before children I worked as a deaf ed interpreter for DallasISD. I loved my job. But, as I would sit on the play ground…I would watch the difference between boys and girls. I won’t go into detail…but, I had decided…I really wanted to raise sons. Girls were too moody, mean, abstract, prissy…. In 1993 I gave birth to my 1st daughter. In 1997 I gave birth to my 2nd daughter. In 2001 I gave birth to my 3rd daughter. In 2003 I gave birth to my identical twin daughters. And in 2008 I gave birth to my 6th daughter. God makes perfect families….it is funny to me now because my girls are so amazing and sweet.
This, though, is not about who is here…THIS is about who is missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am soooo thankful for the wonderful blessings I have in my daughters. But, again, this is about who is not here and who I never got to hold on Earth. In 2006 we got pregnant. I have never had any issues with pregnancy or birth. So, I didn’t hurry to the OB’s office. At 12 weeks along I started bleeding. We went to the ER and the sonographer said there was no fetal pole and no heartbeat. This was very sad. But, I processed it as…my turn to become “1 in 4 survivors of baby loss”, I had a good run up until now. (The current ratio right now is 1 in 4 women will suffer a baby loss in their child bearing years. The ratio is actually probably higher…but, this is the ratio everyone is happy with.) Her name is Esther, which means star.
We got pregnant again in 2007. This time I had an early batch of blood work done…which, looked good. Then, we had an 8 week sono which showed no fetal pole and no heartbeat. Again…the baby had died 3 weeks after conception. Ok…so, maybe my body doesn’t do this well anymore. I had turned 30 … maybe my body needed a little help. But, no doctors would help me because in order to get the big guns testing done…ACOG recommends that a woman must have 3 losses IN A ROW. Which sucks….because 50% of all miscarriages are preventable. His name is Baby Jeremiah which means God will undo the pain.
In 2008 we got pregnant with Raychel. I began spotting around week 5ish (like I had w/ my two losses but, those docs said spotting was normal for some women)…a new OB immediately put me on a progesterone supp. The spotting went away. We got a fetal pole….a heartbeat….movement…..and a live 40 week baby! (During this pregnancy an OB did test me for a blood clotting disorder, which came back slightly positive. So, I was started on heparin injections in the belly at 29 weeks along.)
In 2009 we got pregnant again. And we JUST knew our problem was a short luteal phase/lack of progesterone. I immediately started a Progest supplement and low dose aspirin…just in case there was something to that blood clotting thing. We got a fetal pole, good looking yolk sac, heartbeat, movement and 12 weeks. We told everyone we were expecting again. At 14 weeks (July 25, 2009) the heartbeat stopped. His name was Baby Gabriel Dominick which means “belonging to God”.
On July 25, 2010 we conceived again. Immediately we started progesterone, low dose aspirin, and heparin injections…this is about everything anyone can offer to a habitual abort-er (my new title). (Side note: I hate EVERY term assoc w/ baby loss…they are all evil.) We made it to 17 weeks and our baby boy died. His name was Braveheart. I named him this to honor all the baby loss mamas who know the risks…but, they put their heart on the line again and again because they treasure motherhood. They rejoice in growing/birthing/teaching/loving/nurturing another little human…. His birth story is here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/note.php?note_id=440649749363
In Dec 2010 we conceived again…at 3 weeks along my HCG was 18 and 2 days later my HCG was 12. The next day Baby Love was born.
Babyloss is very abstract to grieve…there are no lovely memories you can look back on. I describe the pain…as being trapped in a paper sack that you cannot punch out of. A fellow Babyloss survivor of 3 angels says, “Yeah…but, the paper bag is filled with poison gas that is only effecting you…everyone around you…is like, get out of the freakin bag….what’s your issue?” I have had my fair share of abusive comments to deal with. And mostly, I’ve been able to walk away…people only know what they have been through. And most people these days don’t wanna get to know your pain. I have an AMAZING village of mamas who “get” the love of motherhood. I have a great family support system. And I’m very involved in the Babyloss community which, is sadly growing by leaps and bounds every day. It is important to surround yourself with people who “get it”. That being said, I do visualize myself as an old lady driving around town (I do my best bawling in the car)…still bawling for the babies I never held/never got to know. For the babies I could not save. For the babies that were so wanted. For the babies who are waiting for their mama with all the other babies who left far too early…for the perfect babies that I will meet in Eternity. Because there is nothing that will heal a mother’s heart for as long as she lives on Earth without her children that left her womb or her arms too early. Nothing.
Currently, we do not feel our family is complete. By my charts, I haven’t ovulated in 2 months. We do not qualify for Foster to Adopt because we have 6 beautiful kids currently in our home. We do not have $30,000 for an agency adoption. We have worked with the local adoption attorney … he is amazing and affordable…but, he doesn’t really do any matching. We could come to him with our own expectant mother/couple, who wanted us to parent their child. So (my plug), if you know anyone in a crisis pregnancy situation.. We would love to send her/them our profile. (We are very open to any child.) plug over …Every once in a while I feel greedy for desiring more children. But, I can’t help it…I’ve tried to fight it. I am a mother…I was made to love and nurture beautiful souls.
I could write lots more on all the other parts of my journey … and of course, lots more on the six pack who did come. They are AMAZING, beautiful people. But, today I’m writing about who isn’t here. Life is a precious gift…never take it for granted.
Here is to you BraveHeart and your beautiful mommy. I love you BIG TIME.
To the ones that are not here...
Oh, Mom of Wild Ones…I am honored to have been asked to write for you. Thank you for always keeping it real…YOU are a treasure to the mothering community!
I know that this is a very safe place to be very real about my motherhood journey, so I’m not going to hold back. I am an imperfect wife to an imperfect husband of 18 years…but, we got each other’s back ~ and we love each other big time. I’m 38 and he’s 40.
Before children I worked as a deaf ed interpreter for DallasISD. I loved my job. But, as I would sit on the play ground…I would watch the difference between boys and girls. I won’t go into detail…but, I had decided…I really wanted to raise sons. Girls were too moody, mean, abstract, prissy…. In 1993 I gave birth to my 1st daughter. In 1997 I gave birth to my 2nd daughter. In 2001 I gave birth to my 3rd daughter. In 2003 I gave birth to my identical twin daughters. And in 2008 I gave birth to my 6th daughter. God makes perfect families….it is funny to me now because my girls are so amazing and sweet.
This, though, is not about who is here…THIS is about who is missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am soooo thankful for the wonderful blessings I have in my daughters. But, again, this is about who is not here and who I never got to hold on Earth. In 2006 we got pregnant. I have never had any issues with pregnancy or birth. So, I didn’t hurry to the OB’s office. At 12 weeks along I started bleeding. We went to the ER and the sonographer said there was no fetal pole and no heartbeat. This was very sad. But, I processed it as…my turn to become “1 in 4 survivors of baby loss”, I had a good run up until now. (The current ratio right now is 1 in 4 women will suffer a baby loss in their child bearing years. The ratio is actually probably higher…but, this is the ratio everyone is happy with.) Her name is Esther, which means star.
We got pregnant again in 2007. This time I had an early batch of blood work done…which, looked good. Then, we had an 8 week sono which showed no fetal pole and no heartbeat. Again…the baby had died 3 weeks after conception. Ok…so, maybe my body doesn’t do this well anymore. I had turned 30 … maybe my body needed a little help. But, no doctors would help me because in order to get the big guns testing done…ACOG recommends that a woman must have 3 losses IN A ROW. Which sucks….because 50% of all miscarriages are preventable. His name is Baby Jeremiah which means God will undo the pain.
In 2008 we got pregnant with Raychel. I began spotting around week 5ish (like I had w/ my two losses but, those docs said spotting was normal for some women)…a new OB immediately put me on a progesterone supp. The spotting went away. We got a fetal pole….a heartbeat….movement…..and a live 40 week baby! (During this pregnancy an OB did test me for a blood clotting disorder, which came back slightly positive. So, I was started on heparin injections in the belly at 29 weeks along.)
In 2009 we got pregnant again. And we JUST knew our problem was a short luteal phase/lack of progesterone. I immediately started a Progest supplement and low dose aspirin…just in case there was something to that blood clotting thing. We got a fetal pole, good looking yolk sac, heartbeat, movement and 12 weeks. We told everyone we were expecting again. At 14 weeks (July 25, 2009) the heartbeat stopped. His name was Baby Gabriel Dominick which means “belonging to God”.
On July 25, 2010 we conceived again. Immediately we started progesterone, low dose aspirin, and heparin injections…this is about everything anyone can offer to a habitual abort-er (my new title). (Side note: I hate EVERY term assoc w/ baby loss…they are all evil.) We made it to 17 weeks and our baby boy died. His name was Braveheart. I named him this to honor all the baby loss mamas who know the risks…but, they put their heart on the line again and again because they treasure motherhood. They rejoice in growing/birthing/teaching/loving/nurturing another little human…. His birth story is here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/note.php?note_id=440649749363
In Dec 2010 we conceived again…at 3 weeks along my HCG was 18 and 2 days later my HCG was 12. The next day Baby Love was born.
Babyloss is very abstract to grieve…there are no lovely memories you can look back on. I describe the pain…as being trapped in a paper sack that you cannot punch out of. A fellow Babyloss survivor of 3 angels says, “Yeah…but, the paper bag is filled with poison gas that is only effecting you…everyone around you…is like, get out of the freakin bag….what’s your issue?” I have had my fair share of abusive comments to deal with. And mostly, I’ve been able to walk away…people only know what they have been through. And most people these days don’t wanna get to know your pain. I have an AMAZING village of mamas who “get” the love of motherhood. I have a great family support system. And I’m very involved in the Babyloss community which, is sadly growing by leaps and bounds every day. It is important to surround yourself with people who “get it”. That being said, I do visualize myself as an old lady driving around town (I do my best bawling in the car)…still bawling for the babies I never held/never got to know. For the babies I could not save. For the babies that were so wanted. For the babies who are waiting for their mama with all the other babies who left far too early…for the perfect babies that I will meet in Eternity. Because there is nothing that will heal a mother’s heart for as long as she lives on Earth without her children that left her womb or her arms too early. Nothing.
Currently, we do not feel our family is complete. By my charts, I haven’t ovulated in 2 months. We do not qualify for Foster to Adopt because we have 6 beautiful kids currently in our home. We do not have $30,000 for an agency adoption. We have worked with the local adoption attorney … he is amazing and affordable…but, he doesn’t really do any matching. We could come to him with our own expectant mother/couple, who wanted us to parent their child. So (my plug), if you know anyone in a crisis pregnancy situation.. We would love to send her/them our profile. (We are very open to any child.) plug over …Every once in a while I feel greedy for desiring more children. But, I can’t help it…I’ve tried to fight it. I am a mother…I was made to love and nurture beautiful souls.
I could write lots more on all the other parts of my journey … and of course, lots more on the six pack who did come. They are AMAZING, beautiful people. But, today I’m writing about who isn’t here. Life is a precious gift…never take it for granted.
Kristi is the owner of a fabulous store - stop in for a visit
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The making of a Mommy
Over the next week or so I will be featuring some guest posts written by friends of mine. I asked each of them to write about certain hardships they have faced as Mothers. Each of them have been presented with difficult situations and each of them have risen above and gracefully accepted the challenges that motherhood throws at us day in and day out.
The post below was written by my best friend during our High School years. We lost touch along the way but reconnected through Facebook about 2 years ago. As you read her story – keep in mind that a mother is made the moment that precious seed begins growing inside her.
Let me start by saying that when My Dear Friend from High school asked me to do this I Jumped at the chance. You see I am a Mother that has had to bear the heart wrenching loss of a child, my first and only child. Anytime I have an opportunity to tell people about my daughter I do. I want her to be remembered by more then just her Daddy and I.
My Husband and I have always wanted children and we tried for years to no avail, soon we began the Dr. Visits first him then me. We then began Fertility Specialists one after the other, a total of 3 I think. We were told I have no Fimbriae on my right ovary and no working ones on my left, so it was Impossible for us to conceive on our own. We immediately started saving for Invetro treatments. I had been poked and prodded too many times to count and I’m not even talking about my husband (insert smile here), these were coming from all the tests and blood work that had to be done. =) We had been together 12 yrs already and a few months before our first appointment to start treatment for Invetro, I thought I had the flu. Just wasn’t feeling well at all. I was a few days late for my cycle but I had been sick with an upper respiratory infection, so I just assumed it was from the antibiotics I had been on the week before. The fact that we had been told we couldn’t conceive naturally had always made me feel like a failure, but every time I was even an “hour late” I took a pregnancy test just HOPING! I could probably own a Yacht with the money I have spent in the past on pregnancy tests and this time was no different. I took a test and it immediately said I was pregnant…I thought yea right, so I took another one…Positive, so I waited an hour later and took the other one. It was positive as well. I couldn’t believe it; I told myself it must just be a bad box. I went to Walmart took all the tests off the Shelf and got the Box from the VERY Back, you know to make sure it wasn’t even in the same case as the others. I took it as soon as I got home. Guess what? The big Fat P!!!! I still was in shock so I called my OBGYN and had them take blood…it wasn’t til the next day when they called me to confirm I was in fact with child that I completely collapsed, We were finally going to have the Baby we had wanted for so long. I called My Husband he rushed home both of us in tears. Finally, a Family. Everything was fine for the first 5 weeks then I began bleeding a little, then a lot. This went on until the end of the third month and then stopped. The baby’s Heartbeat was healthy and strong the whole time. We had started the baby a journal so every night we both made an entry about our thoughts that day. This would be given to our baby when he or she were older. My husband went to every appointment with me and at 16 weeks the ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know the sex we said yes. She said “it’s a little girl” my Husband told her to “Shut Up” (I had asked him if he wanted a boy or girl and he said it didn’t matter, but secretly I think he really wanted a girl). His post in her journal that night was “When they told me I was having a girl, my heart almost jumped out of my chest and all I could think was I’m going to have a little princess of my very own.” We were over the moon. We already had her name picked out. I mean let’s face it we had 12 yrs to come up with the perfect one…
Briarlyn Summers Spittler
Everything was great all the way up until the day I was exactly 20 weeks (5 mo). I had, as you can imagine, bought all kinds of girlie things and was washing towels, onesies and such, when all of a sudden I felt a sudden rush of water run down my legs and onto the floor, I had already enjoyed a few peeing when she wanted me to spells at this point so my first thought was “ If this keeps up I’m just gonna wear a swim suit until she gets here” for 2 reasons: to cut down on laundry and I could be hosed off anywhere even if public if I needed to. I think in my heart I knew what was happening but I just kept screaming “Please No, Oh God Oh God Its too Early” over and over again. My Husband was out so I called him and told him something was VERY wrong come to the hospital. I drove myself just repeating “Oh God Please NO! “
They checked and sure enough my water had broke and I was in labor. I kept saying “PLEASE GOD TAKE ME, LET HER LIVE” I wanted to die, to give her my last breath, which was a little strange to me at first being that I had never even met this little bundle that had been making me do things I wouldn’t normally do in public like, belch, pee, fart and walk off while looking at someone else like it was them. After about 2 hours they strapped me to a contraction monitor and a monitor for the babies heart beat, her heart was beating strong all the way until the end. 7 hours later, On April 23, 2010 I gave birth naturally, but her lungs were not developed so she didn’t make it. We held her as long as they would let us. She was Beautiful, Perfect…10 fingers 10 toes, and looked just like her Daddy. When they ripped her from my arms and they had to, all I could tell her was I’m Sorry, which I must have screamed a thousand times. I lie awake at night wondering if I even told her I loved her. My Husband says I did, but is he just telling me this to keep me from hurting and blaming myself more? I know I tell her everyday now, but will never know for sure if it was said that day. Her beauty is permanatly burned into my eyes, my heart and my mind. Unfortunately so is all the Chaos leading up to her birth. We had just put down some flooring in the hallway leading to what was to be her room and that’s where my water broke. When I came home from the hospital, on the way to my room I had to enter this hallway. I have a baseball bat leaning against the wall, you know to kick the shit out of an intruder if I ever had one, so I picked up this bat and began demolishing the floor in which we had just laid. I was so angry and had so much frustration that seeing where it all began was too much to handle. Although they cannot tell me EXACTLY what caused (my heart to be ripped out of my chest) her premature birth, They told me there could have been a small pin hole in the amniotic sac and over time my body thought my beautiful little girl was a threat, and I got an infection which ultimately led to a premature rupture of the membranes. There has not been a night since that I have been able to sleep with out first reliving every moment of the day I gave birth to, held and then lost my only child. On the nights I am able to sleep its only until I dream of her and then I wake again to the reality of her being gone. I was not able to be around anyone for sometime. I tried about 3 months after we lost her, I thought the air and friends would do me good, only to find out that some of the people I thought were my friends were very vocal (behind my back and didn’t know I could hear them) in the fact they thought I should be “Over it” by now, apparently I wasn’t being as much fun as they thought I should be. After that it was a few more months before I ventured out around people, by this time I was getting involved in the March of Dimes walk for babies and raising money for research in Honor of My Daughter. Again I was Surprised at the lack of respect in some folks. Someone had asked how I was doing since her birth and death so I began to explain, as soon as I mentioned I was keeping busy with the March of Dimes Website, I was told by the “HOST” of the Party that it was her Party not a Donation Party!!! As you can imagine I had been pushed enough by Selfish, Un-grateful people and I LOST IT! (In both instances these people have beautiful healthy children of their own) I told them with every Profanity I could and some I think I even made up to let them know what kind of people I thought they were. Trust me when I say that by the time I left there was NO confusion on where they stood with me, and for those who know me well can verify that I have no problem getting my point across. As I was walking out I left them with one final thought: Bury a Child and then come talk to me about how important a party is to you.
It’s been almost a year since her birth; My Husband is a gift and is helping me become stronger everyday. I have had to come to the hard realization that what happened to me is not, nor ever will be, as important to others as it is to me. Until it has happened to you, you cannot understand. One thing that really chaps my ass is when I hear a parent call their child an idiot or I hear a parent complain because their kid wants them to play… I would give anything for my Daughter to be able to get on my nerves. If I hear one more person tell me “Just have another one that will help ease the pain” or “Everything happens for a reason” (I’m going to scream) Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, everything just happens, and that phrase is what we use in the place of where the reason should be…you know when we don’t know the reason. For some just saying “everything happens for a reason” helps them to move on from a tragedy that the majority of the time is not even theirs. To those people I say” let something to this degree happen to you and then tell me how comforting that phrase is.” I fight through tears everyday when I see certain things, little girls from birth on up, Thinking of all the things I will never get to experience with my Daughter. And then there is the thought of… Will I ever have another chance to have a baby? I wasn’t even supposed to be able to get pregnant with Briarlyn. Over this past year I have learned that it’s almost impossible for me to be around people (for any length of time) that have never experienced this type of loss. We have had the support of some amazing friends that sadly lost two of their own children early. It is a pain that never fades no matter the age of the child lost. I will never be the same, I miss her more everyday! People have said: “Someday you will know the Reason Why”. To that I say “Maybe, But whatever the Reason is, It will Never be Good Enough!”
An Angel wrote in the Book of Life the Day of Our Baby’s Birth, and then Whispered as she closed the Book “ She’s To Beautiful for Earth!”
Briarlyn’s Mommy and Daddy
Tami and Jeff Spittler
Wanna find our more about the March for Babies? Visit the link below and support this beautiful mama.
www.marchforbabies.org/Briarlynsmommy
The post below was written by my best friend during our High School years. We lost touch along the way but reconnected through Facebook about 2 years ago. As you read her story – keep in mind that a mother is made the moment that precious seed begins growing inside her.
I Will Fight to Win, But on This Day I Lost.
Let me start by saying that when My Dear Friend from High school asked me to do this I Jumped at the chance. You see I am a Mother that has had to bear the heart wrenching loss of a child, my first and only child. Anytime I have an opportunity to tell people about my daughter I do. I want her to be remembered by more then just her Daddy and I.
My Husband and I have always wanted children and we tried for years to no avail, soon we began the Dr. Visits first him then me. We then began Fertility Specialists one after the other, a total of 3 I think. We were told I have no Fimbriae on my right ovary and no working ones on my left, so it was Impossible for us to conceive on our own. We immediately started saving for Invetro treatments. I had been poked and prodded too many times to count and I’m not even talking about my husband (insert smile here), these were coming from all the tests and blood work that had to be done. =) We had been together 12 yrs already and a few months before our first appointment to start treatment for Invetro, I thought I had the flu. Just wasn’t feeling well at all. I was a few days late for my cycle but I had been sick with an upper respiratory infection, so I just assumed it was from the antibiotics I had been on the week before. The fact that we had been told we couldn’t conceive naturally had always made me feel like a failure, but every time I was even an “hour late” I took a pregnancy test just HOPING! I could probably own a Yacht with the money I have spent in the past on pregnancy tests and this time was no different. I took a test and it immediately said I was pregnant…I thought yea right, so I took another one…Positive, so I waited an hour later and took the other one. It was positive as well. I couldn’t believe it; I told myself it must just be a bad box. I went to Walmart took all the tests off the Shelf and got the Box from the VERY Back, you know to make sure it wasn’t even in the same case as the others. I took it as soon as I got home. Guess what? The big Fat P!!!! I still was in shock so I called my OBGYN and had them take blood…it wasn’t til the next day when they called me to confirm I was in fact with child that I completely collapsed, We were finally going to have the Baby we had wanted for so long. I called My Husband he rushed home both of us in tears. Finally, a Family. Everything was fine for the first 5 weeks then I began bleeding a little, then a lot. This went on until the end of the third month and then stopped. The baby’s Heartbeat was healthy and strong the whole time. We had started the baby a journal so every night we both made an entry about our thoughts that day. This would be given to our baby when he or she were older. My husband went to every appointment with me and at 16 weeks the ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know the sex we said yes. She said “it’s a little girl” my Husband told her to “Shut Up” (I had asked him if he wanted a boy or girl and he said it didn’t matter, but secretly I think he really wanted a girl). His post in her journal that night was “When they told me I was having a girl, my heart almost jumped out of my chest and all I could think was I’m going to have a little princess of my very own.” We were over the moon. We already had her name picked out. I mean let’s face it we had 12 yrs to come up with the perfect one…
Briarlyn Summers Spittler
Everything was great all the way up until the day I was exactly 20 weeks (5 mo). I had, as you can imagine, bought all kinds of girlie things and was washing towels, onesies and such, when all of a sudden I felt a sudden rush of water run down my legs and onto the floor, I had already enjoyed a few peeing when she wanted me to spells at this point so my first thought was “ If this keeps up I’m just gonna wear a swim suit until she gets here” for 2 reasons: to cut down on laundry and I could be hosed off anywhere even if public if I needed to. I think in my heart I knew what was happening but I just kept screaming “Please No, Oh God Oh God Its too Early” over and over again. My Husband was out so I called him and told him something was VERY wrong come to the hospital. I drove myself just repeating “Oh God Please NO! “
They checked and sure enough my water had broke and I was in labor. I kept saying “PLEASE GOD TAKE ME, LET HER LIVE” I wanted to die, to give her my last breath, which was a little strange to me at first being that I had never even met this little bundle that had been making me do things I wouldn’t normally do in public like, belch, pee, fart and walk off while looking at someone else like it was them. After about 2 hours they strapped me to a contraction monitor and a monitor for the babies heart beat, her heart was beating strong all the way until the end. 7 hours later, On April 23, 2010 I gave birth naturally, but her lungs were not developed so she didn’t make it. We held her as long as they would let us. She was Beautiful, Perfect…10 fingers 10 toes, and looked just like her Daddy. When they ripped her from my arms and they had to, all I could tell her was I’m Sorry, which I must have screamed a thousand times. I lie awake at night wondering if I even told her I loved her. My Husband says I did, but is he just telling me this to keep me from hurting and blaming myself more? I know I tell her everyday now, but will never know for sure if it was said that day. Her beauty is permanatly burned into my eyes, my heart and my mind. Unfortunately so is all the Chaos leading up to her birth. We had just put down some flooring in the hallway leading to what was to be her room and that’s where my water broke. When I came home from the hospital, on the way to my room I had to enter this hallway. I have a baseball bat leaning against the wall, you know to kick the shit out of an intruder if I ever had one, so I picked up this bat and began demolishing the floor in which we had just laid. I was so angry and had so much frustration that seeing where it all began was too much to handle. Although they cannot tell me EXACTLY what caused (my heart to be ripped out of my chest) her premature birth, They told me there could have been a small pin hole in the amniotic sac and over time my body thought my beautiful little girl was a threat, and I got an infection which ultimately led to a premature rupture of the membranes. There has not been a night since that I have been able to sleep with out first reliving every moment of the day I gave birth to, held and then lost my only child. On the nights I am able to sleep its only until I dream of her and then I wake again to the reality of her being gone. I was not able to be around anyone for sometime. I tried about 3 months after we lost her, I thought the air and friends would do me good, only to find out that some of the people I thought were my friends were very vocal (behind my back and didn’t know I could hear them) in the fact they thought I should be “Over it” by now, apparently I wasn’t being as much fun as they thought I should be. After that it was a few more months before I ventured out around people, by this time I was getting involved in the March of Dimes walk for babies and raising money for research in Honor of My Daughter. Again I was Surprised at the lack of respect in some folks. Someone had asked how I was doing since her birth and death so I began to explain, as soon as I mentioned I was keeping busy with the March of Dimes Website, I was told by the “HOST” of the Party that it was her Party not a Donation Party!!! As you can imagine I had been pushed enough by Selfish, Un-grateful people and I LOST IT! (In both instances these people have beautiful healthy children of their own) I told them with every Profanity I could and some I think I even made up to let them know what kind of people I thought they were. Trust me when I say that by the time I left there was NO confusion on where they stood with me, and for those who know me well can verify that I have no problem getting my point across. As I was walking out I left them with one final thought: Bury a Child and then come talk to me about how important a party is to you.
It’s been almost a year since her birth; My Husband is a gift and is helping me become stronger everyday. I have had to come to the hard realization that what happened to me is not, nor ever will be, as important to others as it is to me. Until it has happened to you, you cannot understand. One thing that really chaps my ass is when I hear a parent call their child an idiot or I hear a parent complain because their kid wants them to play… I would give anything for my Daughter to be able to get on my nerves. If I hear one more person tell me “Just have another one that will help ease the pain” or “Everything happens for a reason” (I’m going to scream) Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, everything just happens, and that phrase is what we use in the place of where the reason should be…you know when we don’t know the reason. For some just saying “everything happens for a reason” helps them to move on from a tragedy that the majority of the time is not even theirs. To those people I say” let something to this degree happen to you and then tell me how comforting that phrase is.” I fight through tears everyday when I see certain things, little girls from birth on up, Thinking of all the things I will never get to experience with my Daughter. And then there is the thought of… Will I ever have another chance to have a baby? I wasn’t even supposed to be able to get pregnant with Briarlyn. Over this past year I have learned that it’s almost impossible for me to be around people (for any length of time) that have never experienced this type of loss. We have had the support of some amazing friends that sadly lost two of their own children early. It is a pain that never fades no matter the age of the child lost. I will never be the same, I miss her more everyday! People have said: “Someday you will know the Reason Why”. To that I say “Maybe, But whatever the Reason is, It will Never be Good Enough!”
An Angel wrote in the Book of Life the Day of Our Baby’s Birth, and then Whispered as she closed the Book “ She’s To Beautiful for Earth!”
Briarlyn’s Mommy and Daddy
Tami and Jeff Spittler
Wanna find our more about the March for Babies? Visit the link below and support this beautiful mama.
www.marchforbabies.org/Briarlynsmommy
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Invisible
Sometimes not all the time but sometimes, I feel like I'm invisible. Don't freak out, I'm not going to go all Britney Spears and shave my head. I love my hair, I'd shave someone else's head first. I just at times feel like I'm invisible. Like sometimes the daily grind has grinded me down to a fine powder that the wind could blow 50 miles away and no one would notice.
I can't be the only mom who has ever felt this way.
It's just so tiring at times to be everything to everyone in my home. I love them all with all my heart.
Sometimes though I just wanna lock myself in my closet and play pretend. I pretend I'm a big time corporate professional and live in a gazillion dollar apartment in New York. I eat dinner at 10pm and I wear pantyhose. I collect art, I drink fancy wine and my shoes cost more than my mortgage payment. I would not be invisible.
But then I hear a tiny little knock on my closet door and a tiny little voice says "Mommy" and I'm whisked away from my posh New York apartment. My expensive shoes are replaced by Nikes and dinner was served at 5:30.
I open the door to a snotty faced 14 month old that thinks I'm playing hide and seek. He pushes his way in and collapses on top of me, wiping his snot from my forearm to my ear. He gives me a open mouth drool kiss and like magic the wind blows and breathes life back into my once powdery existence.
I am not invisible anymore but I will be again and again I can pretend and that's ok. It ok to be tired of the daily duties. It's ok to lock yourself in your closet and dream of something different. We are moms but we are humans. We have centered our lives around our families but it's okay to fantasize about being someone else sometimes.
Gotta go, someones knocking on my door.
I can't be the only mom who has ever felt this way.
It's just so tiring at times to be everything to everyone in my home. I love them all with all my heart.
Sometimes though I just wanna lock myself in my closet and play pretend. I pretend I'm a big time corporate professional and live in a gazillion dollar apartment in New York. I eat dinner at 10pm and I wear pantyhose. I collect art, I drink fancy wine and my shoes cost more than my mortgage payment. I would not be invisible.
But then I hear a tiny little knock on my closet door and a tiny little voice says "Mommy" and I'm whisked away from my posh New York apartment. My expensive shoes are replaced by Nikes and dinner was served at 5:30.
I open the door to a snotty faced 14 month old that thinks I'm playing hide and seek. He pushes his way in and collapses on top of me, wiping his snot from my forearm to my ear. He gives me a open mouth drool kiss and like magic the wind blows and breathes life back into my once powdery existence.
I am not invisible anymore but I will be again and again I can pretend and that's ok. It ok to be tired of the daily duties. It's ok to lock yourself in your closet and dream of something different. We are moms but we are humans. We have centered our lives around our families but it's okay to fantasize about being someone else sometimes.
Gotta go, someones knocking on my door.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
From the heart
Just a little texting between Big Daddy and I yesterday.
Let me say that prior to this text we spoke and I was in a bit of a bitchy mood and he was trying to fix it and I didn't want him to fix it, I just wanted to be a bitch.
Me: Barb said for us to go have a date this evening. It's up to you.
BD: Let's Go
Me: You don't even mean that (remember, I was bitchy)
BD: I do truly
Me: Are you quoting Shakespeare?
BD: No, just talking from my heart
Me: That's sweet ( The bitchiness was leaving at this point)
BD: That's the way I roll, sweet for my love
Me: Who is this? (hahaha tricked by the return of bitchiness)
Stay Wild!
Let me say that prior to this text we spoke and I was in a bit of a bitchy mood and he was trying to fix it and I didn't want him to fix it, I just wanted to be a bitch.
Me: Barb said for us to go have a date this evening. It's up to you.
BD: Let's Go
Me: You don't even mean that (remember, I was bitchy)
BD: I do truly
Me: Are you quoting Shakespeare?
BD: No, just talking from my heart
Me: That's sweet ( The bitchiness was leaving at this point)
BD: That's the way I roll, sweet for my love
Me: Who is this? (hahaha tricked by the return of bitchiness)
Stay Wild!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Does this mean I have to shower EVERYDAY?
Some pretty cool news that I wanna share with all ya’ll. Through some weird and crazy connections, I was approached with an idea about creating a TV show based on Mom Bloggers. One of the bloggers would be based on little ole me and my wild ones. I am serious. It’s just an idea right now and maybe if I close my eyes real tight and think about unicorns and glitter and mythical creatures it will be picked up by a major network over the summer. I was on a conference call with a Movie Producer and his writer and I probably said awesome 300 times and totally (because deep inside there is a 15 year old valley girl trying to escape). I was told to just keep on doing what I am doing with my blog. I said awesome and totally AGAIN and then I started thinking:
If this idea takes off and Mom of Wild Ones becomes uncontrollably popular….
Will I have to start showering every day? Where in the hell will I find the time to squeeze in a shower EVERYDAY? I think I will start small and kick up my usual Whore bath (baby wipes and a few Qtips) a few notches. Maybe use some body powder or that new DRY shampoo.
Well I have a while before I have to worry about my hygiene habits. At some point near the end of the summer I will know if this idea gets shot down quicker than a Charlie Sheen intervention.
I will leave you with a little video of Big Daddy getting his eyebrows threaded in the middle of the mall.
No this is not something we would ever usually do but I used my wicked charm on him and talked him into it. What a sport.
If this idea takes off and Mom of Wild Ones becomes uncontrollably popular….
Will I have to start showering every day? Where in the hell will I find the time to squeeze in a shower EVERYDAY? I think I will start small and kick up my usual Whore bath (baby wipes and a few Qtips) a few notches. Maybe use some body powder or that new DRY shampoo.
Well I have a while before I have to worry about my hygiene habits. At some point near the end of the summer I will know if this idea gets shot down quicker than a Charlie Sheen intervention.
I will leave you with a little video of Big Daddy getting his eyebrows threaded in the middle of the mall.
No this is not something we would ever usually do but I used my wicked charm on him and talked him into it. What a sport.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Let's talk about sex...
Being the mom of 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl, ages 16,13,10,6 &1, it is at times like I have to be 5 different mothers. Each one is at an age that requires being handled in different ways. What works with one child usually does not work with the other. I also have 5 children with their own personalities. I can yell at one and it works but with the other it just makes things worse. I can cry at one and he breaks down and gives into me but trying that with The Diva will get you nothing but "eye rolling".
Each year, each child enters a new and exciting stage of life. The stage that scares me the most is when you know its time to talk about S E X. This what not something that I wanted to be caught off guard about.
Big Daddy and I had discussions about how we wanted to handle the TALK and how much we should tell and were we both on the same page about how we felt about the whole Safe SEX or No Sex at all.
We both decided we would base our talks around the fact that S E X is REAL. We did not want our kids to think SEX was bad or dirty or that their desires and hormonal urges were anything to be ashamed of.
We also did not want them to be scared to talk to us about S E X.
Now the real question is W H E N do you talk to your kids about sex? At what age? Well I don't think there is a set in stone age, I think it is more about each individual child and what they are ready for. You also need to make sure you are telling them only what they need to know. I hear stories all the time about parents who over do the talk with gory details. For example when The Wild Man (5year at the time) asked if his baby brother was gonna come out my butt - I simply said yes, gonna fly right out of my ass with wings and everything. He cracked up and said that's gonna hurt and that was it. I answered his question with what I call "age appropriate truth." At 5 - the Wild Man - did not need to hear about VAGINAS.
The Wild Man is well aware that girls do not have "weenies" and when he asked my why I didn't have a weenie - I simply said because God made us different. He was totally satisfied with that answer.
Now it gets tricky when you get yourself a real live preteen. The thing I realized with my 2 oldest boys (13 & 16) is that we can sit down and talk to them about S E X or they will find out from friends. I don't about you but I would much rather be the one talking to my kids about sex than them learning from their peers. You can't keep them from learning from their peers but you can make sure they know what right and what is not.
Both my older boys knows the basics of what sex is and I am sure have heard about things that I could not even imagine. After we were sure that what they knew about SEX was correct, we started right in about the consequences of not just SEX but also about all the other things that could lead to SEX. Like STD and pregnancy. Having a 1 year old baby brother has been a real eye opener for the big boys. Especially my 16 year old. The Boy (16) loves his baby brother to death but is well aware of what a drag a kid would be.
In fact one of the reasons I chose to home birth this last time was to share this labor with our children. I wanted my boys to see what a woman has to go through to birth a baby. I especially wanted my daughter to experience it. Now The Baby was not born at home but not due to lack of trying, I labored 10 hours and pushed for 2 hours before my midwife made the call to get to the hospital. If you are interested you can read his birth story here Birth Story. The entire experience brought us all closer and the love we all have for this stubborn, backwards baby is truly a blessing.
The one thing I have tried to nail into my big boys thick skulls is that although SEX may sound really awesome, it is truly amazing how much damage a 2 minute activity can do to your life. Yes 2 MINUTES.
I love to throw out how if they decide to engage in any sexual activity that they have a real chance of catching a disease and not just with penetration. I threw out the word ORAL and I thought they were going to both pass out. I told them they could get diseases in their mouths or on their penises from someones mouth. Big Daddy was truly uncomfortable with my HONESTY about this but whatever it takes to keep them zipped up and just get them out of high school before they lose their virginity.
I also may or may not have printed out body parts riddled with STD's and taped them to their walls. Don't judge.
Now The Diva is gonna be a whole different story. I have not talked about sex with her. She knows exactly where babies come out of, she knows about her body and why we have periods. We have not ventured into the SEX talk. She has not asked about it and truthfully I don't how I will handle it when she does. I would like to say I will handle it with the ease that I have with my big boys but I just don't know. It seems different with her. I don't think I can treat it the same way with her. She will be 11 later this year and I know the time is coming.
So tell me - How did you handle the sex talk with your children, especially your girls. I sure could use some advice.
Each year, each child enters a new and exciting stage of life. The stage that scares me the most is when you know its time to talk about S E X. This what not something that I wanted to be caught off guard about.
Big Daddy and I had discussions about how we wanted to handle the TALK and how much we should tell and were we both on the same page about how we felt about the whole Safe SEX or No Sex at all.
We both decided we would base our talks around the fact that S E X is REAL. We did not want our kids to think SEX was bad or dirty or that their desires and hormonal urges were anything to be ashamed of.
We also did not want them to be scared to talk to us about S E X.
Now the real question is W H E N do you talk to your kids about sex? At what age? Well I don't think there is a set in stone age, I think it is more about each individual child and what they are ready for. You also need to make sure you are telling them only what they need to know. I hear stories all the time about parents who over do the talk with gory details. For example when The Wild Man (5year at the time) asked if his baby brother was gonna come out my butt - I simply said yes, gonna fly right out of my ass with wings and everything. He cracked up and said that's gonna hurt and that was it. I answered his question with what I call "age appropriate truth." At 5 - the Wild Man - did not need to hear about VAGINAS.
The Wild Man is well aware that girls do not have "weenies" and when he asked my why I didn't have a weenie - I simply said because God made us different. He was totally satisfied with that answer.
Now it gets tricky when you get yourself a real live preteen. The thing I realized with my 2 oldest boys (13 & 16) is that we can sit down and talk to them about S E X or they will find out from friends. I don't about you but I would much rather be the one talking to my kids about sex than them learning from their peers. You can't keep them from learning from their peers but you can make sure they know what right and what is not.
Both my older boys knows the basics of what sex is and I am sure have heard about things that I could not even imagine. After we were sure that what they knew about SEX was correct, we started right in about the consequences of not just SEX but also about all the other things that could lead to SEX. Like STD and pregnancy. Having a 1 year old baby brother has been a real eye opener for the big boys. Especially my 16 year old. The Boy (16) loves his baby brother to death but is well aware of what a drag a kid would be.
In fact one of the reasons I chose to home birth this last time was to share this labor with our children. I wanted my boys to see what a woman has to go through to birth a baby. I especially wanted my daughter to experience it. Now The Baby was not born at home but not due to lack of trying, I labored 10 hours and pushed for 2 hours before my midwife made the call to get to the hospital. If you are interested you can read his birth story here Birth Story. The entire experience brought us all closer and the love we all have for this stubborn, backwards baby is truly a blessing.
The one thing I have tried to nail into my big boys thick skulls is that although SEX may sound really awesome, it is truly amazing how much damage a 2 minute activity can do to your life. Yes 2 MINUTES.
I love to throw out how if they decide to engage in any sexual activity that they have a real chance of catching a disease and not just with penetration. I threw out the word ORAL and I thought they were going to both pass out. I told them they could get diseases in their mouths or on their penises from someones mouth. Big Daddy was truly uncomfortable with my HONESTY about this but whatever it takes to keep them zipped up and just get them out of high school before they lose their virginity.
I also may or may not have printed out body parts riddled with STD's and taped them to their walls. Don't judge.
Now The Diva is gonna be a whole different story. I have not talked about sex with her. She knows exactly where babies come out of, she knows about her body and why we have periods. We have not ventured into the SEX talk. She has not asked about it and truthfully I don't how I will handle it when she does. I would like to say I will handle it with the ease that I have with my big boys but I just don't know. It seems different with her. I don't think I can treat it the same way with her. She will be 11 later this year and I know the time is coming.
So tell me - How did you handle the sex talk with your children, especially your girls. I sure could use some advice.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
How Amusement Parks got me pregnant
As you can imagine with 5 children in tow, from time to time I will get some of the most ridiculous questions from total strangers.
My favorite is the one that goes something like this "Wow, why would you have that many?"
Picture this being asked in front of my children who all can hear and understand the rudeness of such a question. I typically answer with something really sarcastic like " Well, my husband is part of a militia that believes Texas is its own state and we just want extra back up." That usually shuts them down.
It does get me to thinking of just how I decided to have 5 children. I though and I though and all I could come up with is the fact that I seriously hate amusement parks.
Hang in there with me, this is gonna work itself out.
You see, I am not one to enjoy the amusement park. Whether it be Six Flags, Disney Land, Disney World or even the State Fair. I could seriously do away with it all and live happily ever after.
The lines, the people, the kids, the sweat, germs, snot, blood, puke and whatever other bodily fluids that cover every stinking inch of the place. Not too mention the ass raping they give you when buying tickets, food, drinks, etc.. To top it off they take pictures of you screaming for your life on the worlds largest WOODEN roller coaster and you like you just emerged from wildest 48 hour cocaine bender with your pal Charlie Sheen. Then you gotta buy the damn picture for like $55.00 just so it won't be displayed in their ass raping, picture taking kiosk.
Prior to having children it was no big deal to say "No Thanks, not my thing."
But as soon as you introduce your firstborn to TV, it is all over. The amusement parks now how to work a 3 year old. The commercials sure make the places look like a glorious, cloud jumping, glitter throwing, unicorn riding fantasy world and your kid will not shut up about it.
I was scared, I had no idea how I was going to keep my child from knowing that I loathe these places. I mean I was a MOM for gods sake. I picked boogers now, I chewed food and fed it to my little one to make sure he wouldn't choke, I BREASTFED IN PUBLIC. I would go to the ends of the earth for this child of mine, but I sure the HELL was not going to an amusement park.
Think,Think,Think - what could I possibly do to get out of going to the amusement park?
Hmmm.... you know you don't see alot of pregnant women at amusement parks. There you have it.
I decided that I would just continue to get pregnant every time one of my children reaches the ages of 3-5 years old. Perfect, I like being pregnant, I love babies and I hate amusement parks.
So far all you people out there that wonder why I have 5 children.
It's SIMPLE - I HATE AMUSEMENT PARKS.
Now that I am done with child bearing, you may be wondering "How are you going to get out of going now?"
My oldest child is now driving and almost 17 - he loves amusement parks and he loves his siblings. He can take them :)
My favorite is the one that goes something like this "Wow, why would you have that many?"
Picture this being asked in front of my children who all can hear and understand the rudeness of such a question. I typically answer with something really sarcastic like " Well, my husband is part of a militia that believes Texas is its own state and we just want extra back up." That usually shuts them down.
It does get me to thinking of just how I decided to have 5 children. I though and I though and all I could come up with is the fact that I seriously hate amusement parks.
Hang in there with me, this is gonna work itself out.
You see, I am not one to enjoy the amusement park. Whether it be Six Flags, Disney Land, Disney World or even the State Fair. I could seriously do away with it all and live happily ever after.
The lines, the people, the kids, the sweat, germs, snot, blood, puke and whatever other bodily fluids that cover every stinking inch of the place. Not too mention the ass raping they give you when buying tickets, food, drinks, etc.. To top it off they take pictures of you screaming for your life on the worlds largest WOODEN roller coaster and you like you just emerged from wildest 48 hour cocaine bender with your pal Charlie Sheen. Then you gotta buy the damn picture for like $55.00 just so it won't be displayed in their ass raping, picture taking kiosk.
Prior to having children it was no big deal to say "No Thanks, not my thing."
But as soon as you introduce your firstborn to TV, it is all over. The amusement parks now how to work a 3 year old. The commercials sure make the places look like a glorious, cloud jumping, glitter throwing, unicorn riding fantasy world and your kid will not shut up about it.
I was scared, I had no idea how I was going to keep my child from knowing that I loathe these places. I mean I was a MOM for gods sake. I picked boogers now, I chewed food and fed it to my little one to make sure he wouldn't choke, I BREASTFED IN PUBLIC. I would go to the ends of the earth for this child of mine, but I sure the HELL was not going to an amusement park.
Think,Think,Think - what could I possibly do to get out of going to the amusement park?
Hmmm.... you know you don't see alot of pregnant women at amusement parks. There you have it.
I decided that I would just continue to get pregnant every time one of my children reaches the ages of 3-5 years old. Perfect, I like being pregnant, I love babies and I hate amusement parks.
So far all you people out there that wonder why I have 5 children.
It's SIMPLE - I HATE AMUSEMENT PARKS.
Now that I am done with child bearing, you may be wondering "How are you going to get out of going now?"
My oldest child is now driving and almost 17 - he loves amusement parks and he loves his siblings. He can take them :)
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